Bruce Lee

I got on the scale this morning and it said 219. As you can imagine, I feel like a failure. I'm in the process of doing something good for my body, quitting smoking, and my reward? Gaining the weight I worked so hard to get rid of, and an enormous blow to my self esteem.

Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I feel like crap. Emotionally... also crap. Not very motivating. I can FEEL the weight gain. I can feel myself overeating. I feel bloated, emotionally conflicted, and my confidence is dwindling. I know I need to rid myself of the tobacco and nicotine addiction. Right now I just feel like I am doing it at the expense of my sanity. That doesn't mean I am going to go buy a pack of smokes, tho I'll tell you... I was pretty close to making that move 20 minutes ago. I did have a rollie, which was definitely the lesser of the two evils.

"Willpower: Recognizing that the power of will is the supreme court over all other departments of my mind, I will exercise daily when I need the urge to act for any purpose; and I will form habits designed to bring the power of my will into action at least once daily."  Bruce Lee


Some people draw inspiration from a holy book, I am getting mine from Bruce Lee.

Every day I am working to exercise my willpower. I am working hard to form habits that are constructive to my goals, and good for my body and mind. It's not an easy task. If it was, I wouldn't be feeling like a pile of FAIL right now. I have a lot on my plate:

• Lose weight
• Quit smoking
• Train for black belt
• Make more money
• Get my A.D.D. diagnosed and under control

I got my first degree brown belt on Friday, and it didn't even feel like an accomplishment. My performance during the test, was way below what I would have hoped for myself. I made it through... barely. Towards the end, I was pretty much making shit up and my brain was going "ok if all else fails, block, and take them down"... Technique kind of went out the window :/... Especially after an episode where I was gasping like a fish on land and needed to stand off to the side to recover. Regardless, I managed to pass the test. I thought I would feel a sense of pride, but I did not. 

This could easily deteriorate into a pity party, so I am going to list some things I should probably give myself credit for:

• I made it through the test and did not quit. 
• I have not bought a pack of smokes since october 30th 
• I have made an eye doctor appointment. Finally
• I've realized that it is almost certain I have A.D.D., which may be the core issue in why I can't seem to "get it together" and the cause of the "faults" I beat myself up over. I've made an appointment with a doctor to start the process of diagnosis and healing. 
• I've made progress in turning around my messy and disorganized living habits. 

I'm going to follow Bruce Lee's advice and make sure that daily I am exercising my will power. I'm also going to forgive myself for my mistakes and my faults and try not to get stuck in a cycle of self hatred. 

Kal has "man-chest". And is testing tonight in karate.

Here is a photo of my chest. Explanation to follow...

Yesterday I put on a tight sweater and looked in the mirror. I immediately went "jeeze... what are those bumps? Is my shirt bunching?" So I go to smooth them down, and realize that they are my oversized chest muscles! Haha! Now, it's hard to really see when I have a sports bra on, so the photo above doesn't really illustrate very well, but you get the idea. With my shirt off... it looks like I'm a buff dude with d-cups. Kind of awkward. 

I have yet to reach my 1000 pushups a week goal. 300 the first week, 400 this week. Building up. But I AM seeing a big difference. I am SO much quicker at them in class now... and clearly it has also had a physical affect on me. 

There have also been major improvements in my stamina and endurance. I can breathe! I'm still doing the e-cigarette and a rollie every other day, but it's been two weeks since I bought smokes. It's hard. I still really want cigarettes, but being able to breathe in class and make it through without needing to stop and rest is amazing. I did two straight hours last night, and was fine. 

As for weight... That gain really did a number on me mentally. I can't afford to gain. I also can't afford to smoke. So I did something that goes against my usual attitude about health, and I bought Hydroxycut. I don't see this as a weight loss plan or solution, but it seems to be working.  It keeps me from mindlessly munching in the absence of smoking and gives me energy for working out. It's not healthy. I know that. But quitting smoking IS healthy, and so is working out. If this can get me through the initial struggle, so be it. 

Today I am a little over 212 lbs. MUCH better than the 216 that gave me a mental breakdown! 

Tonight I test for my first degree brown belt... the last belt standing between me and black. I am nervous! I did my forms last night and totally had a brain fart halfway through two of them. I am going to work today to jog my memory before the test. This is the first time I have tested since I was in my early teens. I don't think my senseis would encourage me to test if they believed I would fail. Let's hope I don't. 

Going Crazy, Going Smoke-Free

That's me. Proud smoker, mocking those who would have me stop with a "quit smoking" hotline number stuck to my glasses as I light one up.

It has been nearly one week since I bought a pack of cigarettes and I am going INSANE.

There are many reasons I am quitting. I will not list them. The two biggest reasons are money and karate. I am broke, and to get my black belt and function in class, I need to be able to breathe. Regardless off all other reasons, that's what's driving me. But I'm pissed off about it.


"Why?" you may ask... "Why are you pissed? You should be happy! This is a good thing! Everyone is so proud of you and you are going to feel much better!"

I am pissed because I stepped on the scale last night and I had gained 8 pounds. Upon seeing this number, I proceeded to have a total breakdown. I cannot describe the anger and pain that washed over me, other than to say that I went absolutely silent for over an hour and cried at least twice. For those of you who know me, you know that silence and tears are rare in the world of Kal.

An 8 pound gain at this stage of the game means that I am heavier than when I started my challenge and now have 16 pounds to lose before christmas if I want to make that goal. After my initial meltdown I went and did a mile on the elliptical in less than 15 minutes with my heart rate at 180 the whole time. I guess that's one way to work out my frustration... better than putting my fist through a wall. I came home and cried some more and went to bed. This morning I checked my fat % and it seems to have not gone up much, so I am hoping (fingers crossed) that some of it is muscle gain. We'll see soon enough.

The big thing for me isn't the weight gain. It's the GUILT. I worked SO HARD to get rid of my food guilt and it was making me happier and healthier to be free of it. And now? Now not only is the food guilt and paranoia back, but I also have to deal with the pressure and guilt of giving up something else that I enjoy... smoking. Now, instead of being a proud smoker, I have to be one of these guilt ridden "quitters". You know what I mean. The people who bum smokes off other people because they aren't a "smoker" anymore, but they still want one and won't allow themselves to buy a pack. The people who mentally beat themselves up because they "cheated" and had a smoke. The ones who "sneak" one every now and then as if they are doing something dirty and wrong and hide it from their friends and family for fear that they will disappoint everyone. I hate that crap! But here I am... right in the middle of it. 


For some reason... people think that someone should just go from smoking a pack a day to NONE when their quit date rolls around. Like, you're not really quitting if you have any at all, ever again. I say bollocks to that! It's just like dieting. Just because I'm trying to lose weight doesn't mean that I am never ever allowed to have McDonald's again. And I say, if someone eats McD's for every meal and cuts down to one or two a week with the goal in mind to not go there anymore eventually... that's a HUGE success. That person shouldn't have a finger wagged at them because they "cheated". That's not cheating. That's a gradual step-down, and I say it's a lot better mentally, emotionally, and physically than giving something up cold turkey.

So many people seem to think that it's acceptable to consume 5 times the amount of nicotine you usually do in a day of smoking, via gum and patches and quitting aids. Why is that ok?? If anything you're getting yourself MORE addicted to the thing you want. That's where I am at right now. I have the e-cigarette, some nicorette gum... and I'm putting more nicotine in my system than I would have been before, and it's only barely taking the "edge" off. Plus I'm constantly confused as to whether I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or just want a frigging cigarette.

The weight gain, I can hopefully deal with. But this guilt thing... I'm not ok with that. So if I have to roll myself a small crappy cigarette here and there to get by, I will. I'm not buying them, I'm not smoking in the house, I'm not even drinking coffee as much because it makes me want to smoke. I'm making a lot of changes... I shouldn't feel the need to go into self hatred mode because I had a tiny rollie every so often, so I'm not gonna let anyone (including myself) make me feel that way.

A THOUSAND?? You must be joking.

No. No joke...

My friend Rich, who just tested for his black belt and who is also in the Navy (and a fitness trainer) says I should try to do this every 7 days:

• 1500 Push-ups
• 1500 Sit-ups
• 400 Pull-ups (or a modification of such)
• 40 miles run (or cardio equivalent)
• 2500 squats

I threw up a little in my mouth, and then decided if I want to get serious, I need to follow his advice. BUT... I am modifying it. This is my eventual goal:

• 1000 Pushups
• 1000 Sit-ups (mixing in crunches until I can do more full sit ups without dying)
• 1000 Squats

Today I have done 30 pushups (not girl ones, real ones) and 30 situps. Which means I should go now because I need to do 70 more of each before bed and about 100 squats. Eeek!

Here's some photos and a video of me for you to enjoy:

http://gallery.me.com/kalbetts#100072

Break out the Tiger Balm! It's time to get serious about training.

Weight: 208
Body Fat: 38.3 - 38.5 %

It's crunch time, folks! Jennie and I went and watched the end of this year's black belt test last Saturday, and it was a real wakeup call to what I'm going to have to accomplish by next October. Yes, the weight loss is important... important for my knees, important for my stamina. But food control alone is not going to get me where I need to go. So this is where I kick it up a notch.

To give those of you who aren't martial artists an idea of what I'm facing, this is a summary of what I need to know and perform (and survive) during my black belt test:

Fitness:

• Hundreds of pushups
• Lengthy striking sessions to the air and on a bag
• Many many situps and crunches
• Getting thrown on the ground repeatedly and being able to get back up and go again
• The ability to keep going even when my body feels like it can't
• The ability to ignore pain and push through fatigue

Material:

• Aprox. 11 long forms and at least one weapons form
• Multiple club and knife defenses (left handed and right handed)
• Approx. 40 punch defense techniques (left handed and right handed)
• 20 or so defenses against grabs 
• 3 sparate blocking systems with counter strikes
• Partial-contact sparring
• ... and countless punches, strikes, kicks and locks. 

Mental:

Not only do I need to know the above material and be in shape enough to not die during the test, I need to mentally prepare. I am going to be faced with not only overcoming the hurdles of pain and fatigue, but also confusion, loss of confidence when I make mistakes, being asked to do things backwards or make up techniques on the spot, being instructed to do combinations of different strikes at random... The mental part scares me about as much as the endurance part does. When you're tired and you hurt, and your brain feels like it's going to shut down and then you're asked to do something you've never done before or given a quick list of strikes you need to whip out in a certain order, it's hard not to freeze up and feel like "I'm a giant failure, I can't do this, I suck." I need to be prepared to feel confused, to feel panicked, and know that I can get over that. 

In order to be in shape and prepared for what will be the most challenging physical and mental test I have ever had to face, I need to get serious about training. I need to think, breathe, sleep, and live martial arts for the next year, which means training at home, getting in the dojo as often as possible, and maybe even doing pushups on my break at work. 

I am currently reading a book called "Fighter's Fact Book" by Loren W. Christensen, which is not only a fun read for anyone who studies martial arts, but also has some really interesting and creative ideas for training. I find that solo training is my kryptonite. I get bored, I get distracted. The author provides some ideas for solo work that keep things from getting boring. It's just what I need... a little something to keep me motivated. 

If any martial artists out there are reading this, what do you do to keep yourself interested when training alone? What do you find works best? 

Anticipating "food season" and other obstacles.

Well, it's that time of year again! We go from there being Halloween candy everywhere, into leftover Halloween candy, then Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving leftovers, and directly into Christmas food. After that, it's the "winter depression." You all know what that is. When it's cold and wet out, and you don't want to leave the house to go to the gym. When it's much more comfortable to sit at home and watch movies and munch on comfort food. It's a annual state of "hibernation" until spring arrives and inspires us to get active again.

In addition to the annual struggles of "holiday season" when weight loss seems nearly impossible and physical activity becomes a "chore," I've got another thing to worry about... My "quit date" is coming up. Yeah, that's right. Both my fiance and I are going to attempt to quit smoking starting in November. And it's TERRIFYING. That's a whole other blog entry to be written, but first:

I know this season is coming... how do I prepare?

I think the first step is recognizing what the problem areas are. For me, it's not so much meals. I'm pretty good at controlling how much goes on my plate and giving myself time to digest before deciding on another helping. My biggest problem is when food is just sitting around. This comes in the form of appetizers, candy bowls, dips, cheese plates, small baked goods, anything like that. It's just too easy, especially at work and at parties, to graze. To feel like every time you pass by, you can just pop something in your mouth. For me this challenge is going to present itself mostly at work.

I work in a place where it's not uncommon for customers and other employees to just bring in large amounts of "goodies" for the staff. Just the other night, someone's spouse dropped by with two trays of cupcakes. And when it gets busy, the team usually orders mass amounts of pizza delivered every couple of hours so we can "re-fuel" and not have to make a trip to the food court. We also have some "sugar junkies" around who pick up chocolates or candies and just leave them in the break room. One time, Olive Garden just brought over 3-4 trays of pasta, salad, and breadsticks... just to be nice. And in the morning, it's not uncommon for donuts and bagels to appear. This is great when you're broke and forgot to pack lunch, but it also requires a HUGE amount of self control!! When you are at work, and stressed, to have all that just hanging out begging to be consumed... it's so friggin' easy to indulge, and overindulge on the go.

The second place where I feel may present challenges, is hanging out with family. My grandmother makes christmas candy and snacks. Amazing peanut butter balls, fudge, chex mix, chocolate covered pretzels. My mom is the queen of savory dips and appetizer plates... crackers, cheese, lobster and crab dip, spinach and artichoke dip in bread bowls... just awesomeness in general. And I have a tendency to overdo it on these things, and then be full... but then dinner comes out and I feel rude if I don't eat some. Even without the dinner... eating half a bowl of lobster dip and a ton of cheese and crackers isn't exactly the best idea.

So what are some possible solutions to this problem? 

1. Get a very small plate, put a few goodies on it, and when the plate is finished, make a conscious decision that I am done eating. I'm not unrealistic enough to say "no candy or appetizers this year!" That's just stupid. But I can decide to control how much I have, and set the rule that I'm not allowed to just grab stuff off a platter and munch on it at random. 
2. Distance myself from the temptation... Example: Don't sit in the seat right in front of the goodies. Avoid standing for too long right next to the pile of yummy in the break room. And if I'm not hungry... don't go over to look at what's there. 

The next problem area is physical activity. Karate will help with that. I plan to test for my next rank in November, and from there on out it's black belt training. With the goal of black belt in mind, training my material is obviously important but so is CARDIO. Cardio will be the hardest part, because I hate it. Especially when it requires going out in the cold to go get on an elliptical or a bike. 

Solutions?

1. Keep the black belt test in mind. Remind myself "Do you really want to be overweight and huffing and puffing in the middle of the test? Do you want to be the only one who has to stop and catch your breath? Not cool."
2. Using the resources I have at home to get in some exercise. Examples: Pilates video, PS2 with Dance Dance Revolution, Exercise ball. 
3. Finding "fun" outdoor winter activities to participate in. It's been YEARS since I've been snowboarding. We live in Maine, and have friends who go skiing/boarding. There's really no excuse not to go at least a few times this winter. Same with ice skating! My mom lives on the best ice skating pond around and has a direct path down to the edge of it. 

Hopefully, by anticipating challenges ahead of time, and making a few "plans" to overcome them I can get through the upcoming season, and even lose some weight. 


What are your seasonal struggles? Do you have anything you do to keep your self control and get some physical activity? Please share! 

Stats and Progress

Weight: 210
Body Fat: 39%


Progress is happening. Slower than I would like, but at least it's there. 

Let's talk about weight...

When I first started this blog I was 214. Then I had a couple weeks where I bounced between 215 and 217. I am saying I've lost 5 pounds so far, but really, if you go from my highest at this time, it's more like 7 pounds. I find that I have a "base weight", and I am sure the same is true for most people. It's the weight between my "good" days and my "bad" days. For instance... right now I am holding steady at 210, but some days the scale can say 212 and I have seen it as low as 209. When I first started blogging, my "base" weight was 215, going as low as 214 and as high as 217. This is why I don't freak when some days I get on the scale and it puts me a pound or two higher... just as easily it fluctuates back down. The "base" weight is what I pay attention to. Yeah it feels great when suddenly I am two pounds lighter... but I try not to celebrate until I am STEADILY that much lighter.

Now for body fat...

There's no way to accurately measure body fat without taking a ton of measurements and using the little "pinch" tool, or having a team of highly trained scientists with expensive equipment. What I have at home is a little hand held device that sends a signal across your upper body and compares that to your weight, height, and age. This thing has a margin of error of about 1%. I can do it three times in a row and it will give me 3 different readings, all within less than a percent. I use this as a guideline. Back in May, I was averaging anywhere from 40% to 41%. Now it's in the lower 39s, upper 38s. This means that I have dropped roughly 1%-2% body fat. 

....................................................................

Things may not be progressing as quickly as I like, but they ARE progressing. I try to keep that in mind when I start to get discouraged. I did not gain all this weight in a short time. It's been a lifetime of riding the emotional roller coaster with food and body image. It's totally unrealistic that I am going to change every habit I ever developed at the drop of a hat and just magically get fit. But I am better, and I continue to improve. I find myself overeating less and less, I find that my major struggles now are not emotional connections with food but rather bad decisions brought on from "convenience". I try to remember that two years ago I was 30-50 pounds heavier, and celebrate the fact that I overcame that... especially when I see a photo or video of myself where I go "YUCK! I look like that???"... because if I feel that way now, imagine how I would feel with another 50 pounds hanging off me.