It's all part of the process...

I screwed up hardcore. I let myself get discouraged and then lost sight of my goals and let temptation overwhelm me.

There's been all kinds of junk food at work. Donuts, candy, crackers, cookies, chips... just sitting there for long periods of time. And when it's busy and I'm stressed and running around, it's just too easy to grab a handful of this and a handful of that and go out for lunch etc.

Yesterday I went to the tourist beach, and I don't even want to think about what I consumed. I will say it included a lot of fried stuff and tons of sugar and I felt like shit all night because of that.

My schedule has prevented me from getting to Karate much, and now the dojo is closed for over a week for holiday. I DID manage to get in a private lesson where I learned one of the two forms that stands between me and my next belt. Once I get that belt, it will just be a year and a lot of practice before I can test for black.

I cant remember the last time I went to the gym or did any serious exercise. DDR at the arcade yesterday doesn't count.

Off to work now, and with any luck there won't be much junk food setting around calling my name...

Day 16: FML. Can I have a full body transplant please?

Let me start this by listing what I ate yesterday:

Morning-Late afternoon:
Some coffee
Half a sandwich with a small glass of milk and 1 oreo
A few fritos with a little guacamole on them
Some home made punch
A mini can of ginger ale.

Dinner: 1boiled lobster (very little butter), some salad, 2 tiny dinner rolls, 1/2 ear of corn on the cob.
Dessert: 1 piece of birthday cake.

Late night snack: 2 home made s'mores (two graham crackers, two marshmellows... you get the idea.)

Now, I know that yesterday's intake wasn't small or without flaws. But do any of you think that honestly warrants a 3-4 pound weight gain?! Like, everything I lost the last 2 weeks, ruined in ONE DAY. WTF!?!?!

Additionally... 
This morning, while innocently walking down the stairs, my knee popped out of place again. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as last time, and it did go back in place. It left me laying on the stairs for a few minutes getting over the shock of it, and is now kind of achy and feeling weak... but not horribly so.

So yeah. I'm not too happy. Sometimes I seriously hate my body. Not the look of it, just the way it functions. Because, come on... that's messed up. One special occasion meal, and BAM, all progress lost and I'm back to square one. Then my knee just randomly decides to fail on me, without provocation.

I am trying not to panic or get really mad, but this is hard!! I am trying to keep my head on straight and be like "You can't change yesterday, but you can make sure you do well going forward." I'm also waiting to see if maybe this is a strange 1-2 day weight gain that will come back off.

Sigh. I guess set backs are all part of the process, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Day 15: Finally! Some results!!

Weight: 212
Body Fat: 39.3%



FINALLY!! I've lost 3 lbs and about 1.5% body fat. I was worried there for a while. I got down to 212, and then the next day I was 214 again. That made me feel crappy. But then I weighed myself this morning and I am back to 212, so all is good :).

I haven't properly exercised since Sunday, but I am ok with that. I put in a lot of effort last week, and this week I haven't had a lot of sleep. I think it's counter-productive to try and work out when you're feeling totally beat. I did mow the lawn yesterday, half of which is up hill, with a push mower. I don't know how many calories I burned, but I was definitely sweating... so it's not like I didn't get any physical activity, I just didn't get to the gym, karate, or on the DDR mat.

I have a feeling this week is going to be a similar to the last few days in terms of working out. I'm starting a 6 days in a row stretch at work. Some of those days are half days, so hopefully I can use the extra time to at least get to the little gym at our apartment complex.

I had a moment of weakness last night... I was hungry after work and a friend and I went to Wendy's where I had a diet soda, some fries, and a BBQ Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. It made me feel like shit. Not in a guilt way as I hadn't had fast food in like 2 weeks, so I wasn't fretting over it. Just physically I was like ICK. Heavy feeling, slow... It's all part of the process, you know? Once in a while you have to do that to remind yourself "Yeah... this really isn't that good, nor is it worth this icky nasty feeling." Today I kind of feel like I am on a fast food hangover. Thankfully, dinner tonight involves lobster, salad, maybe a little steak and yes, I will have to have some of my grandmothers amazing birthday cake but I plan on trying not to overdo it on other stuff so that the cake doesn't overload my system.

Hopefully I've got the ball rolling now! Maybe kicked my metabolism into gear a bit. Maybe by next week I will be down to 210. Wish me luck!

Day 12: Rest or Pilates?

I'm feeling better today. My little hand held body fat reader says I'm 39.7% (down from 40.9%) and I am back to 214 after a weird little gain last week. Muscle? Water weight? Who knows, but now I seem to be headed in the right direction.

I went to the dojo Saturday morning, and I wish I could have stayed there all day. Actually, that's what I wish I could do today, but I have a short evening shift tonight at work that falls right over the times that the dojo is open. Oh well.

Mentally, I'm a bit better, which may have something to do with the sunshine. Physically, I'm still kind of sore from the intense day at work I had on saturday.

Which brings me to today! The question is... after I finish cleaning the house, should I let my body rest a little and not work out today, or will I feel like popping in the pilates dvd? I kind of feel like "rest" is gonna win. However... I'm not gonna have time tomorrow or wednesday to get any exercise in, so I may want to "Just Do It" lol.

We shall see how long the cleaning takes me and I'll go from there.

PS: Here is my first set of official measurements.

Quick Update - Sunday workout fail.

I did decide to work out. I also lost 1 pound... finally.

Things I found out this afternoon: 


1. I can't seem to get the hang of jumping rope. And by that I mean, I swing it and jump, then immediately trip. I exhausted myself and after a few minutes without managing to get it around more than twice I was like "Screw this!" and quit. Haha. Soooo frustrating...

2. Jogging right now is out of the question. My knees can't take it.

3. I look kind of ridiculous in all black with white Vans decorated with angry looking stars.

4. Don't go all day on nothing but coffee, workout and then eat more than you actually need.

5. I should have just rested my body today.

What I did accomplish:

• Burning calories while failing at jogging and jumping rope. 
• 10 minutes and 100 calories burned on the elliptical. 
• A little martial arts practice as a cool down exercise. 

Day 11: Struggles and Finding Motivation

I'm still deciding whether or not to "get physical" today. I'm feeling bruised, sore, and worn out physically and emotionally. I may decide to go use my new jump rope for a while (or, attempt to anyway... lol), but in the meantime I'm taking a little while to focus on my mind.

This challenge for me is not all about losing weight, getting fit and preparing for the physical challenge of the black belt test. That's part of it, but I'm not sure that's the most important part.

I've had a really rough year so far. I'm not going to go into details about it, but I will say it feels like my whole world just suddenly stopped being what it has been all my life and now I feel like I am starting over from scratch. My confidence is pretty much in shambles.

I need to find my self worth again. This weekend, I didn't feel it at all. Literally, I felt like a total loser. Not only that, but I'm not even in a place right now where I like myself. There's this constant stream going on in my head of stuff I'm doing wrong, or things that are wrong with me. "You're lazy. You're not tidy or organized enough. You complain too much. You're not working hard enough. You look like crap. You annoy people. You've waisted every opportunity you had to be something. You don't deserve your fiancee." Just on and on...

My friend and mentor, Sensei Jim Bouchard talks about how "Perfection is not a destination; It's a never-ending process...". Here are some links to his material that I find motivational and very helpful (for everyone... not just martial artists):


Podcast (Think Like A Black Belt):
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/think-like-a-black-belt/id150959297?i=83634207

Blog:
http://thinklikeablackbeltblog.com/

Books:
http://astore.amazon.com/dynacompofper-20


This blog, the challenge I have set for myself... it's about starting that process of perfection, about finding my sense of self worth again and becoming more confident and about sharing that process with others. It's about deciding to take action, discipline myself and reach my goals. Being a black belt is about more than just punches, kicks and physical strength. That's why I'm not trying to test this October and instead waiting till next year. I need that time to rebuild mentally, get my confidence back and feel better about myself. I want to go into that test knowing I'm ready to face the challenge and knowing I can put 110% into it.

Day 9: Dance Dance Revolution

Instead of going to the gym today, I decided to get out my DDR mat. It was actually the best workout I've had this week! I burned 206 calories in only 20 minutes! I need to start doing that more regularly. It saves me a lot of time and I don't even have to leave the house.

As far as food goes, today was good. All I really had was some coffee, half a beer, half an egg sandwich, a diet coke and half a fajita. Last night after karate I made myself a skim milk/banana/peanut butter/chocolate smoothie, and I have some left so I'll probably finish that off in a little while. I know it's not exactly sugar free, but it's liquid and I didn't go overboard on the peanut butter and chocolate. Better than having a half pint of Ben & Jerry's or some sort of gas station pastry.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this coming week is going to bring some tangible results.

Karate

I went to Karate tonight for the first time since I started this challenge. I almost didn't go because running errands took longer than expected, but I made it just in time for the Advanced class and I am glad I did!!

Warmups were ROUGH. Three reasons:
1. It was real muggy
2. My balance is all weird due to my foot/knee issues
3. I am overweight smoker who needs stamina improvement

The rest of class was fantastic, tho for some reason towards the end I started to see little white stars and got to that dizzy place right before you pass out. We weren't even doing anything strenuous! Some water helped.

I miss my belt. It's just SO SMALL on me and it gets all uncomfy and makes my pants fall down. Plus it makes me feel wicked fat and get all self-conscious. I know I shouldn't feel TOO bad... I mean, I got it when I was 14 and I'm lucky I can get it tied at all. It's not like I got it 3 years ago and have just gained a tremendous amount of belly fat. No average person has the waist they had when they were 14. I just miss wearing one. Sigh. So what I do, is not wear it, and then I stand in the back row with the green belts because I somehow feel like I don't deserve to be in the front, even though I am technically the highest ranking person in the class. Confidence FAIL.

I think confidence is one of the reasons I've been missing class as much as I have. Yes, scheduling is a bitch, so tuesdays are always out (and some saturdays are off limits too). And yes, I've been feeling under the weather... But also, I'm just not as good as I used to be and since I sort of re-entered the scene after YEARS of being away, I feel a little out of place if that makes sense. Mostly everyone else there has gone through this whole process together, and then BAM I show up randomly out of the blue, out of practice, with a second degree brown belt that doesn't fit, a worn out gi, and I just float between the beginners class and the advanced class trying to get back in shape and get all my material back. It's a little awkward, tho I know it shouldn't be because the dojo is a very accepting "safe zone". Basically it's all in my head.

This challenge is as mental as it is physical.

Day 8: Time to put up some stats.

Weight: 215  (up from 214)
Body fat: 40% (down from 40.9%)

This is not particularly encouraging. However... I have absolute faith that I am doing the right things and feel very good about the changes I have made recently. I have not had fast food or eaten at the food court. The only junk food item I ate was some chips one night. I also only had soda once. I've been eating at home, cooking, bringing lunch to work with me and healthy snacks. I've been making sure I eat breakfast before I leave the house. I've been cutting down my portions and paying more attention to what my body is telling me. I've added more exercise into my schedule.

Honestly, I think if I keep this up, my body will start changing. Maybe it's been in this rut so long that it is going to take a little time for it to start getting back into gear again. I can definitely say I feel like I'm being healthier.

If in another week or two I'm not seeing any change, I'll have to re-evaluate my plan of action.

End of Week 1

I haven't lost any weight this week. Which is frustrating, but Rome wasn't built in a day. The up side is that it seems I've lost nearly 1% body fat, so I am assuming that I've either gained a little muscle or it's water weight during this particular week.

I've been awesome about cooking a lot. Last night I made baked stuffed salmon with shrimp and for desert I had 2 graham crackers with cream cheese and a few chocolate chips. I really should have only had ONE graham cracker, because I felt a little too full after desert. I would say that the only time this week I kind of fell off the wagon was one night where I ate a few handfuls of potato chips instead of going for a healthier snack. And you know what? Physically, it made me feel kind of crappy.

I got to the gym twice this week. I think cardio is going to be my biggest challenge, but it's totally necessary. I love lifting weights. I'm really strong. But to be honest... I don't really need to be building more muscle. I can feel all the muscle that's under that layer of fat that's hiding it, and I can lift every day all year, but it's just gonna make me bulkier and regardless of how much muscle I have, it's not gonna SHOW unless I get rid of the fat that's covering it. Since you can't "spot remove" fat with specific target area exercises (ie doing a ton of crunches), I need to be on the bike, the elliptical, and maybe work my way to the treadmill (which I hate).

As for karate... I didn't get in this week. But I need to take things at my own pace. Part of me wants to make this go faster, but the reality is... it's hard to re-learn everything you knew 12 years ago! Especially when you're in a different body! I received my current rank when I was 14. Which means my belt fits a whole hell of a lot differently than it did then. I avoid wearing it when I can because it's way too small and looks kind of ridiculous.

It's all a process! A long process. I just have to stay on track and keep at it...

Overcoming the Plateau...

I'm feeling under the weather today, which isn't all bad because it means I'm certainly not hungry, but it does mean I don't have a lot to say. Instead, I shall post a couple of photos.

My weight loss progress since 2008:

(Notice the giant, annoying plateau...)

At my heaviest:

Some photos of me now:

I just thought this would be good to post so that there is a reference point of where I have come from and where I am at now.