Bruce Lee

I got on the scale this morning and it said 219. As you can imagine, I feel like a failure. I'm in the process of doing something good for my body, quitting smoking, and my reward? Gaining the weight I worked so hard to get rid of, and an enormous blow to my self esteem.

Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I feel like crap. Emotionally... also crap. Not very motivating. I can FEEL the weight gain. I can feel myself overeating. I feel bloated, emotionally conflicted, and my confidence is dwindling. I know I need to rid myself of the tobacco and nicotine addiction. Right now I just feel like I am doing it at the expense of my sanity. That doesn't mean I am going to go buy a pack of smokes, tho I'll tell you... I was pretty close to making that move 20 minutes ago. I did have a rollie, which was definitely the lesser of the two evils.

"Willpower: Recognizing that the power of will is the supreme court over all other departments of my mind, I will exercise daily when I need the urge to act for any purpose; and I will form habits designed to bring the power of my will into action at least once daily."  Bruce Lee


Some people draw inspiration from a holy book, I am getting mine from Bruce Lee.

Every day I am working to exercise my willpower. I am working hard to form habits that are constructive to my goals, and good for my body and mind. It's not an easy task. If it was, I wouldn't be feeling like a pile of FAIL right now. I have a lot on my plate:

• Lose weight
• Quit smoking
• Train for black belt
• Make more money
• Get my A.D.D. diagnosed and under control

I got my first degree brown belt on Friday, and it didn't even feel like an accomplishment. My performance during the test, was way below what I would have hoped for myself. I made it through... barely. Towards the end, I was pretty much making shit up and my brain was going "ok if all else fails, block, and take them down"... Technique kind of went out the window :/... Especially after an episode where I was gasping like a fish on land and needed to stand off to the side to recover. Regardless, I managed to pass the test. I thought I would feel a sense of pride, but I did not. 

This could easily deteriorate into a pity party, so I am going to list some things I should probably give myself credit for:

• I made it through the test and did not quit. 
• I have not bought a pack of smokes since october 30th 
• I have made an eye doctor appointment. Finally
• I've realized that it is almost certain I have A.D.D., which may be the core issue in why I can't seem to "get it together" and the cause of the "faults" I beat myself up over. I've made an appointment with a doctor to start the process of diagnosis and healing. 
• I've made progress in turning around my messy and disorganized living habits. 

I'm going to follow Bruce Lee's advice and make sure that daily I am exercising my will power. I'm also going to forgive myself for my mistakes and my faults and try not to get stuck in a cycle of self hatred. 

Kal has "man-chest". And is testing tonight in karate.

Here is a photo of my chest. Explanation to follow...

Yesterday I put on a tight sweater and looked in the mirror. I immediately went "jeeze... what are those bumps? Is my shirt bunching?" So I go to smooth them down, and realize that they are my oversized chest muscles! Haha! Now, it's hard to really see when I have a sports bra on, so the photo above doesn't really illustrate very well, but you get the idea. With my shirt off... it looks like I'm a buff dude with d-cups. Kind of awkward. 

I have yet to reach my 1000 pushups a week goal. 300 the first week, 400 this week. Building up. But I AM seeing a big difference. I am SO much quicker at them in class now... and clearly it has also had a physical affect on me. 

There have also been major improvements in my stamina and endurance. I can breathe! I'm still doing the e-cigarette and a rollie every other day, but it's been two weeks since I bought smokes. It's hard. I still really want cigarettes, but being able to breathe in class and make it through without needing to stop and rest is amazing. I did two straight hours last night, and was fine. 

As for weight... That gain really did a number on me mentally. I can't afford to gain. I also can't afford to smoke. So I did something that goes against my usual attitude about health, and I bought Hydroxycut. I don't see this as a weight loss plan or solution, but it seems to be working.  It keeps me from mindlessly munching in the absence of smoking and gives me energy for working out. It's not healthy. I know that. But quitting smoking IS healthy, and so is working out. If this can get me through the initial struggle, so be it. 

Today I am a little over 212 lbs. MUCH better than the 216 that gave me a mental breakdown! 

Tonight I test for my first degree brown belt... the last belt standing between me and black. I am nervous! I did my forms last night and totally had a brain fart halfway through two of them. I am going to work today to jog my memory before the test. This is the first time I have tested since I was in my early teens. I don't think my senseis would encourage me to test if they believed I would fail. Let's hope I don't. 

Going Crazy, Going Smoke-Free

That's me. Proud smoker, mocking those who would have me stop with a "quit smoking" hotline number stuck to my glasses as I light one up.

It has been nearly one week since I bought a pack of cigarettes and I am going INSANE.

There are many reasons I am quitting. I will not list them. The two biggest reasons are money and karate. I am broke, and to get my black belt and function in class, I need to be able to breathe. Regardless off all other reasons, that's what's driving me. But I'm pissed off about it.


"Why?" you may ask... "Why are you pissed? You should be happy! This is a good thing! Everyone is so proud of you and you are going to feel much better!"

I am pissed because I stepped on the scale last night and I had gained 8 pounds. Upon seeing this number, I proceeded to have a total breakdown. I cannot describe the anger and pain that washed over me, other than to say that I went absolutely silent for over an hour and cried at least twice. For those of you who know me, you know that silence and tears are rare in the world of Kal.

An 8 pound gain at this stage of the game means that I am heavier than when I started my challenge and now have 16 pounds to lose before christmas if I want to make that goal. After my initial meltdown I went and did a mile on the elliptical in less than 15 minutes with my heart rate at 180 the whole time. I guess that's one way to work out my frustration... better than putting my fist through a wall. I came home and cried some more and went to bed. This morning I checked my fat % and it seems to have not gone up much, so I am hoping (fingers crossed) that some of it is muscle gain. We'll see soon enough.

The big thing for me isn't the weight gain. It's the GUILT. I worked SO HARD to get rid of my food guilt and it was making me happier and healthier to be free of it. And now? Now not only is the food guilt and paranoia back, but I also have to deal with the pressure and guilt of giving up something else that I enjoy... smoking. Now, instead of being a proud smoker, I have to be one of these guilt ridden "quitters". You know what I mean. The people who bum smokes off other people because they aren't a "smoker" anymore, but they still want one and won't allow themselves to buy a pack. The people who mentally beat themselves up because they "cheated" and had a smoke. The ones who "sneak" one every now and then as if they are doing something dirty and wrong and hide it from their friends and family for fear that they will disappoint everyone. I hate that crap! But here I am... right in the middle of it. 


For some reason... people think that someone should just go from smoking a pack a day to NONE when their quit date rolls around. Like, you're not really quitting if you have any at all, ever again. I say bollocks to that! It's just like dieting. Just because I'm trying to lose weight doesn't mean that I am never ever allowed to have McDonald's again. And I say, if someone eats McD's for every meal and cuts down to one or two a week with the goal in mind to not go there anymore eventually... that's a HUGE success. That person shouldn't have a finger wagged at them because they "cheated". That's not cheating. That's a gradual step-down, and I say it's a lot better mentally, emotionally, and physically than giving something up cold turkey.

So many people seem to think that it's acceptable to consume 5 times the amount of nicotine you usually do in a day of smoking, via gum and patches and quitting aids. Why is that ok?? If anything you're getting yourself MORE addicted to the thing you want. That's where I am at right now. I have the e-cigarette, some nicorette gum... and I'm putting more nicotine in my system than I would have been before, and it's only barely taking the "edge" off. Plus I'm constantly confused as to whether I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or just want a frigging cigarette.

The weight gain, I can hopefully deal with. But this guilt thing... I'm not ok with that. So if I have to roll myself a small crappy cigarette here and there to get by, I will. I'm not buying them, I'm not smoking in the house, I'm not even drinking coffee as much because it makes me want to smoke. I'm making a lot of changes... I shouldn't feel the need to go into self hatred mode because I had a tiny rollie every so often, so I'm not gonna let anyone (including myself) make me feel that way.

A THOUSAND?? You must be joking.

No. No joke...

My friend Rich, who just tested for his black belt and who is also in the Navy (and a fitness trainer) says I should try to do this every 7 days:

• 1500 Push-ups
• 1500 Sit-ups
• 400 Pull-ups (or a modification of such)
• 40 miles run (or cardio equivalent)
• 2500 squats

I threw up a little in my mouth, and then decided if I want to get serious, I need to follow his advice. BUT... I am modifying it. This is my eventual goal:

• 1000 Pushups
• 1000 Sit-ups (mixing in crunches until I can do more full sit ups without dying)
• 1000 Squats

Today I have done 30 pushups (not girl ones, real ones) and 30 situps. Which means I should go now because I need to do 70 more of each before bed and about 100 squats. Eeek!

Here's some photos and a video of me for you to enjoy:

http://gallery.me.com/kalbetts#100072

Break out the Tiger Balm! It's time to get serious about training.

Weight: 208
Body Fat: 38.3 - 38.5 %

It's crunch time, folks! Jennie and I went and watched the end of this year's black belt test last Saturday, and it was a real wakeup call to what I'm going to have to accomplish by next October. Yes, the weight loss is important... important for my knees, important for my stamina. But food control alone is not going to get me where I need to go. So this is where I kick it up a notch.

To give those of you who aren't martial artists an idea of what I'm facing, this is a summary of what I need to know and perform (and survive) during my black belt test:

Fitness:

• Hundreds of pushups
• Lengthy striking sessions to the air and on a bag
• Many many situps and crunches
• Getting thrown on the ground repeatedly and being able to get back up and go again
• The ability to keep going even when my body feels like it can't
• The ability to ignore pain and push through fatigue

Material:

• Aprox. 11 long forms and at least one weapons form
• Multiple club and knife defenses (left handed and right handed)
• Approx. 40 punch defense techniques (left handed and right handed)
• 20 or so defenses against grabs 
• 3 sparate blocking systems with counter strikes
• Partial-contact sparring
• ... and countless punches, strikes, kicks and locks. 

Mental:

Not only do I need to know the above material and be in shape enough to not die during the test, I need to mentally prepare. I am going to be faced with not only overcoming the hurdles of pain and fatigue, but also confusion, loss of confidence when I make mistakes, being asked to do things backwards or make up techniques on the spot, being instructed to do combinations of different strikes at random... The mental part scares me about as much as the endurance part does. When you're tired and you hurt, and your brain feels like it's going to shut down and then you're asked to do something you've never done before or given a quick list of strikes you need to whip out in a certain order, it's hard not to freeze up and feel like "I'm a giant failure, I can't do this, I suck." I need to be prepared to feel confused, to feel panicked, and know that I can get over that. 

In order to be in shape and prepared for what will be the most challenging physical and mental test I have ever had to face, I need to get serious about training. I need to think, breathe, sleep, and live martial arts for the next year, which means training at home, getting in the dojo as often as possible, and maybe even doing pushups on my break at work. 

I am currently reading a book called "Fighter's Fact Book" by Loren W. Christensen, which is not only a fun read for anyone who studies martial arts, but also has some really interesting and creative ideas for training. I find that solo training is my kryptonite. I get bored, I get distracted. The author provides some ideas for solo work that keep things from getting boring. It's just what I need... a little something to keep me motivated. 

If any martial artists out there are reading this, what do you do to keep yourself interested when training alone? What do you find works best? 

Anticipating "food season" and other obstacles.

Well, it's that time of year again! We go from there being Halloween candy everywhere, into leftover Halloween candy, then Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving leftovers, and directly into Christmas food. After that, it's the "winter depression." You all know what that is. When it's cold and wet out, and you don't want to leave the house to go to the gym. When it's much more comfortable to sit at home and watch movies and munch on comfort food. It's a annual state of "hibernation" until spring arrives and inspires us to get active again.

In addition to the annual struggles of "holiday season" when weight loss seems nearly impossible and physical activity becomes a "chore," I've got another thing to worry about... My "quit date" is coming up. Yeah, that's right. Both my fiance and I are going to attempt to quit smoking starting in November. And it's TERRIFYING. That's a whole other blog entry to be written, but first:

I know this season is coming... how do I prepare?

I think the first step is recognizing what the problem areas are. For me, it's not so much meals. I'm pretty good at controlling how much goes on my plate and giving myself time to digest before deciding on another helping. My biggest problem is when food is just sitting around. This comes in the form of appetizers, candy bowls, dips, cheese plates, small baked goods, anything like that. It's just too easy, especially at work and at parties, to graze. To feel like every time you pass by, you can just pop something in your mouth. For me this challenge is going to present itself mostly at work.

I work in a place where it's not uncommon for customers and other employees to just bring in large amounts of "goodies" for the staff. Just the other night, someone's spouse dropped by with two trays of cupcakes. And when it gets busy, the team usually orders mass amounts of pizza delivered every couple of hours so we can "re-fuel" and not have to make a trip to the food court. We also have some "sugar junkies" around who pick up chocolates or candies and just leave them in the break room. One time, Olive Garden just brought over 3-4 trays of pasta, salad, and breadsticks... just to be nice. And in the morning, it's not uncommon for donuts and bagels to appear. This is great when you're broke and forgot to pack lunch, but it also requires a HUGE amount of self control!! When you are at work, and stressed, to have all that just hanging out begging to be consumed... it's so friggin' easy to indulge, and overindulge on the go.

The second place where I feel may present challenges, is hanging out with family. My grandmother makes christmas candy and snacks. Amazing peanut butter balls, fudge, chex mix, chocolate covered pretzels. My mom is the queen of savory dips and appetizer plates... crackers, cheese, lobster and crab dip, spinach and artichoke dip in bread bowls... just awesomeness in general. And I have a tendency to overdo it on these things, and then be full... but then dinner comes out and I feel rude if I don't eat some. Even without the dinner... eating half a bowl of lobster dip and a ton of cheese and crackers isn't exactly the best idea.

So what are some possible solutions to this problem? 

1. Get a very small plate, put a few goodies on it, and when the plate is finished, make a conscious decision that I am done eating. I'm not unrealistic enough to say "no candy or appetizers this year!" That's just stupid. But I can decide to control how much I have, and set the rule that I'm not allowed to just grab stuff off a platter and munch on it at random. 
2. Distance myself from the temptation... Example: Don't sit in the seat right in front of the goodies. Avoid standing for too long right next to the pile of yummy in the break room. And if I'm not hungry... don't go over to look at what's there. 

The next problem area is physical activity. Karate will help with that. I plan to test for my next rank in November, and from there on out it's black belt training. With the goal of black belt in mind, training my material is obviously important but so is CARDIO. Cardio will be the hardest part, because I hate it. Especially when it requires going out in the cold to go get on an elliptical or a bike. 

Solutions?

1. Keep the black belt test in mind. Remind myself "Do you really want to be overweight and huffing and puffing in the middle of the test? Do you want to be the only one who has to stop and catch your breath? Not cool."
2. Using the resources I have at home to get in some exercise. Examples: Pilates video, PS2 with Dance Dance Revolution, Exercise ball. 
3. Finding "fun" outdoor winter activities to participate in. It's been YEARS since I've been snowboarding. We live in Maine, and have friends who go skiing/boarding. There's really no excuse not to go at least a few times this winter. Same with ice skating! My mom lives on the best ice skating pond around and has a direct path down to the edge of it. 

Hopefully, by anticipating challenges ahead of time, and making a few "plans" to overcome them I can get through the upcoming season, and even lose some weight. 


What are your seasonal struggles? Do you have anything you do to keep your self control and get some physical activity? Please share! 

Stats and Progress

Weight: 210
Body Fat: 39%


Progress is happening. Slower than I would like, but at least it's there. 

Let's talk about weight...

When I first started this blog I was 214. Then I had a couple weeks where I bounced between 215 and 217. I am saying I've lost 5 pounds so far, but really, if you go from my highest at this time, it's more like 7 pounds. I find that I have a "base weight", and I am sure the same is true for most people. It's the weight between my "good" days and my "bad" days. For instance... right now I am holding steady at 210, but some days the scale can say 212 and I have seen it as low as 209. When I first started blogging, my "base" weight was 215, going as low as 214 and as high as 217. This is why I don't freak when some days I get on the scale and it puts me a pound or two higher... just as easily it fluctuates back down. The "base" weight is what I pay attention to. Yeah it feels great when suddenly I am two pounds lighter... but I try not to celebrate until I am STEADILY that much lighter.

Now for body fat...

There's no way to accurately measure body fat without taking a ton of measurements and using the little "pinch" tool, or having a team of highly trained scientists with expensive equipment. What I have at home is a little hand held device that sends a signal across your upper body and compares that to your weight, height, and age. This thing has a margin of error of about 1%. I can do it three times in a row and it will give me 3 different readings, all within less than a percent. I use this as a guideline. Back in May, I was averaging anywhere from 40% to 41%. Now it's in the lower 39s, upper 38s. This means that I have dropped roughly 1%-2% body fat. 

....................................................................

Things may not be progressing as quickly as I like, but they ARE progressing. I try to keep that in mind when I start to get discouraged. I did not gain all this weight in a short time. It's been a lifetime of riding the emotional roller coaster with food and body image. It's totally unrealistic that I am going to change every habit I ever developed at the drop of a hat and just magically get fit. But I am better, and I continue to improve. I find myself overeating less and less, I find that my major struggles now are not emotional connections with food but rather bad decisions brought on from "convenience". I try to remember that two years ago I was 30-50 pounds heavier, and celebrate the fact that I overcame that... especially when I see a photo or video of myself where I go "YUCK! I look like that???"... because if I feel that way now, imagine how I would feel with another 50 pounds hanging off me. 

My Belt...

This is how my brown belt fits currently. I received my brown belt, and then my second degree (as indicated by the two black stripes) around the age of 13-14. At the moment, it's too small. That combined with the fact that the elastic in my gi pants doesn't work anymore, means I wear it less than I would like to. Two years ago, I couldn't even tie it. I wish I could wear it with pride right now, but when I do wear it, it pushes my gi pants down and constricts my movements.

I love this belt. I have had it for over a decade and it was earned with hard work and dedication. Yeah, I could maybe have the dojo order me a larger one for now, but somehow that doesn't feel right. You earn a belt, you don't buy it.

This belt represents many things to me.... It's a reminder of my dedication to the martial arts. It's a symbol of my achievements and progress. At this time in my life, it's also an obstacle to be overcome.

I have been a second degree brown belt for far too long. I took an extended break from studying, and with that came undesirable physical changes, as well as a loss of skill and loss of memory of my material.  This past year I have worked to fill the gaps in my material. I've lost some weight and regained some balance, power and skill... but I've got a long way to go.

It's funny to say that... "I've got a long way to go", because I actually only have one stripe and (an extreme test of mental and physical endurance) standing between me and my black belt. However, until this belt fits again, until I can wear it with confidence, until I can sew on that last black stripe, I will feel like I'm not quite where I should be.

I have a month before I go for my"first degree" (third stripe), and then about a year to prepare myself for the biggest test of my life. Along the way, I hope to fit myself to this brown belt, physically and mentally, so that I can successfully move forward.

Lower back dimples!

I haven't updated for a while. So I'm gonna try and catch up quickly. I am hovering around 210-211. Which is FINE. I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.

I do have some exciting news. Ok, well... exciting for me anyway. I make it a point to look in the mirror now and then and pick out stuff I like about my body. I think everyone should do this. Too often we look at photoshopped chicks and dudes in magazines and compare ourselves to that, as opposed to actually trying to find qualities in ourselves that are attractive. For instance, I love my biceps, and my butt, and my chest. But last night, I discovered something new... LOWER BACK DIMPLES! I seem to have lost enough weight and toned up enough to be able to see that I have them! This is exciting for a couple of reasons.

1) Isn't it hot when girls have lower back dimples? ;)
2) This means that as the weight comes off, all that kick-ass muscle I've got under there will start to show!

Moving along...

The last two weeks in food. You will notice some big plates of food. I ate those in 2-4 portions each, not all at once. You will also notice a lot of slimfast. I drink it because I like it, not because it's "diet food." It's great when I just need a little something. (Click on photos to see bigger view)

Finally...

Exercise. I haven't gotten enough this month. Yeah, I've been getting to karate fairly regularly, but I've also been kind of sick, which has put me off doing much else. Here's the chart.

Theoretically.... I should be working out at least 3 times a week. Clearly, that has not been happening. I should also be cooking more, and that's not happening either. I get into little kicks where I do it for a few days, and then a long stretch of lazy and distracted. At least I am paying attention to my portions! But that's not enough. I need to get in the exercise and make an effort at cooking more. 

That's it for this week, folks. Leave me some comments! I need the motivation, haha. 

Food journal for last week!

Weight: 209 lbs!!!

The visual food journal is apparently working! Here's that photo I promised of last week's food intake. Yeah... I know there's some junk in there, but this week I am doing a lot better. Trying hard to eliminate excessive sugar and drink more water this week. Regardless... As of yesterday and today I am down to 209!! That's 5 pounds gone! Maybe my body has finally kicked into gear instead of being stubborn. Hopefully, now that I'm in the groove, I can get on a roll. 

End of week update: Inches vs Pounds

Weight: 212.5
Body Fat: 39.3%


Everyone keeps saying I look like I have lost weight and gotten thinner, but the scale says otherwise. So I've been figuring that it's just people's imagination. I mean, yeah... it's great to get the compliment. But when I step on the scale and it says 213 or 212, I can't imagine that a couple of pounds gone is really showing on me.

Then last night, a fellow martial artist asked me where my belt was and I said "honestly, it's so tight, I can't breathe when I wear it." To which he replied "Why? You haven't gained weight. You're smaller than you were." This made me think "Huh. Maybe I'm gaining muscle and losing inches."

I just measured my abdomen. Now, I am measuring straight across my abdomen, not technically my "waist". The first time I did it a month or so ago it was at 42''. The second time... 41''. Today it's at 40''.

I'm not taking this as complete truth because I am factoring in human error. Maybe the first time I measured I went over a different location. But I'm pretty sure since the last time, I was consistent. I think it's safe to say I've lost an inch! 


Some progress is better than none!

In Other News...

I've photographed everything I ate this week! Tomorrow I will post a photo collage. I believe this is helping for a few reasons:

1) Every time I go to eat something I think to myself "Do I really want to take a photo of that?" This helps me avoid having little handfuls of random crap.

2) I can SEE what goes into my body. All at once. It's quite daunting when I've had a bad day, and see all that stuff. Really makes me stop and think about how my body could possibly process that effectively.

3) Overall... ACCOUNTABILITY! I can't just eat something and then pretend it didn't happen. Or "sneak" a little of this or that. The photos don't lie.

My inspiration for this whole idea came from a British show called "You Are What You Eat". This feisty, blunt, little Welsh lady goes to people's houses and catalogs what they eat for a week, then at the end of the week, gathers up everything they put in their body and sets it out on a big table for them to see. Then she makes comments like "You had 150 cookies this week!! No wonder you're fat!" and makes them face it. Most of the time, the people don't even realize how bad things are, until they see it laid out in front of them like that. Once she showed this lady who loves cheese, what the extra weight on her body looks like... in cheese. We're talking 80 pounds of cheese. And she goes "Go on, then. Lift that." I encourage everyone to look this show up on youtube and watch a little of it. It's funny, but also very real, and helpful.

Facing it, really looking at it... that's motivation right there. Because when you're looking at the 20 cans of coke, 8 servings of fries, 30 cookies, etc etc... that went into your body... it's pretty hard to deny that there's a problem.


Tomorrow's post will include exercise report for the week, and photo catalog of my food intake. 

Not real proud of myself this week... But today is a new week and a fresh start.

This week started off good, but ended on a bit of a downer. 

For the first half of the week, things were going well. I was photographing my food, feeling good about things... I even lost another pound! So for several days I was at 211 and very excited about it. I didn't really get any real exercise, but since the weight was going down, I figured I'd be ok.

Then I had a couple days where I wouldn't remember to take a pic of my food every time, and thought "well this is pointless if I don't get everything, so I will start fresh next week". That I think, was my first mistake, because without the visual reference I really let myself eat crap.

My second mistake was to let myself get really really hungry before going out for indian food. When I'm hungry like that, I want way more than I need, which is bad for my body AND my wallet. Two samosas, a whole thing of garlic naan, mango chutney, and a little rice and korma later... I'm up to 213.

My week concluded with a big meeting at work, followed by spending the entire day there with an enormous table of chips, candy, bagels, sandwiches, cookies, etc. And of course... I "grazed" on that all day. By the the end of the day I was on some massive sugar/carb crash and feeling icky.

It's a new day, and a new week. I am 213 pounds, and hoping that I can use this week to "catch up" and get back down where I was. I'm going to have to practice some serious self control today, as there is still two rolling racks full of junk food at work. Hopefully photographing what I eat will keep me from just popping random stuff in my mouth all day. Wish me luck...

Big News! And Photos!

This week I stuck to my plan. I photographed everything I ate and I used my fitness app to track my workouts. No special diets. In fact, I ate pizza and fast food a couple times! But I remembered to eat only when I was hungry and stop when I didn't "need" to eat anymore. I also made an effort to drink more water.

The result? I'm down to 212 and holding steady there!! AND I bought a couple new shirts and was able to buy mens MEDIUM for the first time in years! I remember when I was an XL-XXL. This is amazing! 


Everything that went in my body this week:

• Small portions of fast food
• Some really good salads
• Lots of coffee and crystal light
• A little diet soda
• Oatmeal
• Soup
• A couple of sandwiches
• A little chicken and beef
• A couple of sweets
• Water
• Small portions of potato chips
• Milk

My workouts:

I made it to the gym twice this week and one karate class. I didn't do enough that I'm hurting, but it seems to have been enough to help! I'm following a light routine where I complete a little cardio followed by some rapid weight lifting at weights that aren't difficult for me, and then I repeat. 

We now have a balance ball at the house and I am going to start supplementing my workouts by doing that at home. 

All in all, very motivating and a great start to what I hope will be continual improvement :). 

Getting organized!!

It's been over 3 months and I've gone up and down in weight and made very little progress. I came to the realization that it's because I am not being organized about it. My greatest successes with this have come when I have tracked my progress. Procrastination is my enemy because when I allow myself to procrastinate tracking things, I procrastinate actual effort. So from here on out, there's a plan.

1) I am photographing everything I eat. At the end of each week, I will be making a photo collage of my food intake and posting it here.

2) I found an app that allows me to put in my weight, my measurements, my body fat % and it organizes the info for me and even makes graphs. This is a lot easier than sitting down at my computer and making spreadsheets for myself!

3) This app also has exercises and workout plans, and I can keep track of what I am doing at the gym and export that info to my email.

From now on, I will blog at the end of each week, using the photos and information from above. To start things off, here's what I did yesterday:

Ninja Warrior = Inspiration

Jennie and I stayed up till 3:30 in the morning watching "Ninja Warrior" and then watched 2 more episodes while eating brunch. If you have never seen Ninja Warrior (which is likely if you don't have cable and the G4 channel), you should watch it. These guys (and sometimes gals) perform the most AMAZING feats of strength, endurance, balance and agility. I'm not kidding. This stuff is near impossible. Our favorite is Makoto Nagano, a fisherman who is one of only 3 men who have ever completed the course.

For more information (and a good laugh) please read this: http://www.badassoftheweek.com/nagano.html


Now, let's be realistic... I will never be able to do the stuff these guys do. You won't see me surfing on a metal board down a slope, jumping off, hanging onto a metal chain with my bare hands, jumping onto a trampoline to propel myself onto a rope ladder and crossing a curtain using nothing but grip and arm strength only to reach an inclined monkey bar hanging over a freezing lake. But. If a 37 year old japanese fisherman can do all that without slipping or falling, I can certainly get in better shape than I am now and learn to do a decent back kick / front kick / side kick combination without losing my balance.

So after we got done with our Ninja Warrior mini-marathon, we got out the target mitt and our kenpo student workbooks and went out barefoot in the grass to practice. Very productive! Jennie got a good practice session of what she needs to know for her next test (which also helps me hone my basics), we worked on our balance, did some kicking drills, I worked on my blocking and Kata 4, and then we did a little light bare-hand sparring. After that we hit the gym and I got in a little weight lifting, some stretching and a mile on the exercise bike.

I won't be flying to Japan to try and become the next Ninja Warrior champion, but I did take another step forward towards getting my black belt, and that feels good. :)

What's on the Menu: Reviews

After reviewing some of my material for karate, I did a LOT of cooking today. Which unfortunately meant also doing a lot of dishes.

Here's what I made and how it all turned out:

Brunch:
Open-faced ciabatta with pears sauteed in apple sauce, maple bacon, and blue cheese crumbles, all melted and toasted in the oven. This recipe is a total keeper! When I suggested that we bring the leftovers to our friends next door, my girl was like "Um... no!" Haha. I guess it was a "win" :)

Dinner:
Banana, black bean, honey and coconut milk soup. This one was interesting. I liked it and it was more filling than I expected. Not something to do all the time, but I think it would make a really good side dish or appetizer.

Dessert:
Wedge of brie cheese smeared with strawberry jam and wrapped in crescent roll dough. Baked in the oven till golden. This is a classic! EASY and it's definitely satisfying. Served it as a spread, with Wheat Thins. Caution: I'm sure this is very high in calories. It's also really filling. Best done in small portions!!


Prepared for Tomorrow:
Crock Pot candied kielbasa. Brown sugar, ketchup, horseradish, kielbasa. Mix, let cook for an hour or so. YUM! So yum, in fact, that my fiancee is now referring to it as "The Precious". I had a little taste, and it is great. That's gonna be my lunch tomorrow.

Good food! Karate too!

Food:

My last post may have been slightly misleading... Just because I ate junk all week last week doesn't mean that's ALL I'm gonna eat. The cool thing is, I got that out of my system last week and by the end of last night I was ready for some salad and healthy stuff. So after karate, my girl and I hit up the salad bar at the grocery store. It was awesome. Then today, we split a really fresh, nicely done turkey focaccia and a small pear salad.

Now I'm on a cooking kick. I had my fill last week of fast stuff. So tonight I went "recipe hunting" online at allrecipes.com and printed out this weeks "menu." I think what I may do is look up stuff online at the end of each week, and then go get the stuff I need to make a few things. That way I have stuff to take with me to work. Less expensive! And also a bit more satisfying than food court. More variety as well. And it helps me improve my skills!

Tonight I made a chicken and broccoli casserole. I work tomorrow, so I'll be having that again tomorrow for lunch. Sunday I have big plans! Candied kielbasa and bacon/pear/blue cheese ciabattas. Mmmmmmm :) Also I found this great recipe for coconut, banana and black bean soup which I plan to serve with couscous. Later in the week... ginger/lime grilled salmon.

Karate:

I have not been blogging enough about this. It's been an on/off summer. I can really only make it once a week because of work, but I did audit the rank test!! It was the first test I had been too in like 11-12 years. I knew it would be hard physically, but I forgot about all the mental confusion and frustration that goes with it. I wasn't even officially testing and I think about 2/3 through it I thought "Omg. I am an embarrassment. I suck." I wanted to cry. But I didn't and I made it through. It was good for me. Really pointed out the stuff I need to work on.

The unfortunate thing was that I had to go lobstering on little sleep the morning before the test. So by the time I got to the test I was already ridiculously tired and worn out. Which I am sure lead to some of my screw-ups. The last fall I had to take in the test, I did not do it properly and I hit the ground HARD. Jostled some stuff in my torso. Bothered me for the last two weeks. Now I'm pretty sure I bruised/cracked a rib. Because last night after class (and we didn't even do take-downs) it felt like someone was periodically stabbing me. It hurt to sit, to lay down, to breath... No fun. Couldn't sleep on that side AT ALL. My poor fiance has had to listen to me moan all day.

There is another test in a couple weeks, and I may or may not be ready. We'll see...

I've been going to the beginner class with my girl a little too much. Partly it's because it is convenient for us to go and leave together and be able to have dinner together after and only take one car and all that. But I think part of it is because there's someone in the advanced class that I get bad vibes from. I need to just get over that and deal.

Tomorrow I am going to open mat before work. Time for me to go put some Tiger Balm on my ribs and get to sleep at a decent hour!

Onward...

Yeah, I ate junk food... and lost weight!

Weight: 213
Body Fat: 39%


That's right! This week's "diet" has consisted of Steak, Baloney Sandwiches & Chips (good chips, not some corn crap), Hibatchi Grill, Coldstone Ice Cream, Qizzno's, Dunkin' Donuts, Johnny Rocket's, and McDonalds. Before you start thinking "Oh no! She really went off the deep end!" read on...

I am down a pound since yesterday, down 2 pounds since last week and the lowest I've been in a while. Lower even than when I was stressing about what types of food I was eating. Here's how it worked out...

First off, I've been eating my meals in 2-3 "rounds". Like, it took me 3 days to drink a small Coldstone milkshake. I just had a little every time I was craving it. Same with the steak dinner and hibatchi. Ate half at dinner, half the next day for lunch. If I make a sandwich, I make half a sandwich and then put a handful of chips on the plate, put the bag of chips away. With Quizzno's, instead of getting one of those monster sandwiches, I had what they call a "Bullet"... It's a little skinny baguette. Mine had chicken pesto and tomatos I added some bbq baked lays and a small diet coke.

Now... for the real fast food... You know, the real "evil" stuff...

I got my morning coffee at Dunkin' (real cream, skip the sugar). Instead of getting a breakfast sandwich I figured just a small hash brown would be enough, and it was.

For lunch, Johnny Rocket's. Patty melt, skip the fries, diet coke. Ate half the patty melt, and then later on my 15 minute break, ate the other half.

Dinner... McDonald's! Crispy honey mustard snack wrap, small fries, small diet coke. Totally enough food to feel satisfied.

By the end of all this, I felt GOOD. I didn't overstuff myself, didn't feel tired and bloated, wasn't having any sort of crazy sugar cravings, and I thought to myself "I bet I lost weight." And I DID. YES!!

So my recommitment to the Paul McKenna plan is working. It's not about what I eat, it's about how I eat and why. I keep reminding myself... food is fuel. Eat when I'm hungry, eat what I want not what I think I should have, and don't look at it as something "special" or a "pick me up"... it's just food. I need it to live. And I only need enough to not feel hungry anymore.

And now I am off to have half a sandwich and some garlic parmesan kettle chips. Yum yum. Photos to come soon.

Two days, 2 pounds gone!

I'm gonna start by telling you what I ate yesterday.

Some coffee
1/3 of a chicken, bacon, tomato, avocado quesadilla
A diet coke
Water
An iced cappuccino
A packet of peanut butter crackers
1/2 a bologna sandwich
2 lindt truffles

I paid attention to my levels of hunger yesterday. I ate slow. I stopped when I thought I may have had all the food I needed to not be hungry anymore. I did not fret over what type of food I was eating. I ate what I wanted and listened to my body. And I lost 2 pounds.

Maybe one of the reasons I've been failing up till now is because I'm stuck in this frame of mind like... I need to lose weight, thus I need to be eating veggies and salads and smoothies and doing all this "special stuff"... and if I can't eat that stuff, I'm being "bad" so I'll just overdo it anyway. It's kind of ridiculous, because dieting is exactly what gave me my issues with food to begin with!! Not to mention... that's not how I lost my first 50 pounds... why should I feel like that's how I have to lose my next 50!?

There's nothing wrong with drinking a smoothie, or eating some fruit, or being careful about how much sugar I have. But that's not the answer. The answer is getting back the mentality that food is fuel, and I don't NEED to have a certain amount every time I eat. Just like my car always needs different amounts of gas. I shouldn't be waiting till I am on empty, nor should I be putting 8 gallons in when my tank only has room for 3.

I need to be reminding myself not to decide how much I am going to eat before I start eating. I need to ask myself "Why does that wrap have to have chips with it? What if just half the wrap is plenty? You can buy some chips after the fact if you still really feel hungry. They'll still be there." I've gotta convince myself again and get back the knowledge that I'm probably not still going to be starving after I eat a little something and therefor, there is no reason to put a ton on my plate because if I want it later, I can have it then.

Onward...

This is hard.

I started this challenge in May. It's now July. I've GAINED 3 lbs.

Yes, that's right. I am holding steady at 217, which is the highest I've been in a while. WTF?

The last two days, I've made a serious recommitment to the Paul McKenna program. And I broke the rules last night after eating nothing but a pretzel all day and then hoovering a steak & cheese sandwich with fries. Sigh. Despite that, I've been great all day long today. I just need to keep it up.

"Keeping it up" seems to be the problem. I don't know whether I just feel this is impossible, or whether I just get distracted, or if I'm just stress eating and busy. I think it's a combination of all of that.

I lost almost 50 lbs. I should be able to do it again. It shouldn't be this hard. But it is.

Good News & Bad News

I'll start with the good news...

All this crappy eating has finally come to an end and it seems I am back on track with being more conscious of how I eat and what I am eating. It's been a few days, and I've been making pretty good choices. Bringing lunch to work, eating smaller meals, trying not to overdo it on anything and staying away from excess sugar and fried stuff.

I cleaned out my parents' basement yesterday and found that I can fit back into an outfit I haven't been able to wear for about 4 years. It says size 14... I'm not sure I believe that. lol. Really I think it's more like a 16, but hey, that's a lot better than 20. Glad I kept it!

And now for the bad...

The last time I weighed myself I was at about 217. Ugh. It's discouraging, but that's why I am giving myself a year to get to my goal. Instead of just saying "Lose 50 Pounds" I am setting it at 165. 


This journey is such a struggle to stay focused and not become complacent. I've never been thin and this 200-218 range is where I've been at since I was a teen... so in a way, it's my comfort zone. I don't really know any different. I know what it felt like to be much larger than this, and I won't let THAT happen again, but under 200... I don't know what that feels like... not as an adult anyway. That's where it gets hard. I need to push through this 15 lb range where I'm "comfy". I feel like once I do that my motivation is going to get a serious bump because I'll start to see a "me" I've never seen before.

Onward...

It's all part of the process...

I screwed up hardcore. I let myself get discouraged and then lost sight of my goals and let temptation overwhelm me.

There's been all kinds of junk food at work. Donuts, candy, crackers, cookies, chips... just sitting there for long periods of time. And when it's busy and I'm stressed and running around, it's just too easy to grab a handful of this and a handful of that and go out for lunch etc.

Yesterday I went to the tourist beach, and I don't even want to think about what I consumed. I will say it included a lot of fried stuff and tons of sugar and I felt like shit all night because of that.

My schedule has prevented me from getting to Karate much, and now the dojo is closed for over a week for holiday. I DID manage to get in a private lesson where I learned one of the two forms that stands between me and my next belt. Once I get that belt, it will just be a year and a lot of practice before I can test for black.

I cant remember the last time I went to the gym or did any serious exercise. DDR at the arcade yesterday doesn't count.

Off to work now, and with any luck there won't be much junk food setting around calling my name...

Day 16: FML. Can I have a full body transplant please?

Let me start this by listing what I ate yesterday:

Morning-Late afternoon:
Some coffee
Half a sandwich with a small glass of milk and 1 oreo
A few fritos with a little guacamole on them
Some home made punch
A mini can of ginger ale.

Dinner: 1boiled lobster (very little butter), some salad, 2 tiny dinner rolls, 1/2 ear of corn on the cob.
Dessert: 1 piece of birthday cake.

Late night snack: 2 home made s'mores (two graham crackers, two marshmellows... you get the idea.)

Now, I know that yesterday's intake wasn't small or without flaws. But do any of you think that honestly warrants a 3-4 pound weight gain?! Like, everything I lost the last 2 weeks, ruined in ONE DAY. WTF!?!?!

Additionally... 
This morning, while innocently walking down the stairs, my knee popped out of place again. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as last time, and it did go back in place. It left me laying on the stairs for a few minutes getting over the shock of it, and is now kind of achy and feeling weak... but not horribly so.

So yeah. I'm not too happy. Sometimes I seriously hate my body. Not the look of it, just the way it functions. Because, come on... that's messed up. One special occasion meal, and BAM, all progress lost and I'm back to square one. Then my knee just randomly decides to fail on me, without provocation.

I am trying not to panic or get really mad, but this is hard!! I am trying to keep my head on straight and be like "You can't change yesterday, but you can make sure you do well going forward." I'm also waiting to see if maybe this is a strange 1-2 day weight gain that will come back off.

Sigh. I guess set backs are all part of the process, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Day 15: Finally! Some results!!

Weight: 212
Body Fat: 39.3%



FINALLY!! I've lost 3 lbs and about 1.5% body fat. I was worried there for a while. I got down to 212, and then the next day I was 214 again. That made me feel crappy. But then I weighed myself this morning and I am back to 212, so all is good :).

I haven't properly exercised since Sunday, but I am ok with that. I put in a lot of effort last week, and this week I haven't had a lot of sleep. I think it's counter-productive to try and work out when you're feeling totally beat. I did mow the lawn yesterday, half of which is up hill, with a push mower. I don't know how many calories I burned, but I was definitely sweating... so it's not like I didn't get any physical activity, I just didn't get to the gym, karate, or on the DDR mat.

I have a feeling this week is going to be a similar to the last few days in terms of working out. I'm starting a 6 days in a row stretch at work. Some of those days are half days, so hopefully I can use the extra time to at least get to the little gym at our apartment complex.

I had a moment of weakness last night... I was hungry after work and a friend and I went to Wendy's where I had a diet soda, some fries, and a BBQ Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. It made me feel like shit. Not in a guilt way as I hadn't had fast food in like 2 weeks, so I wasn't fretting over it. Just physically I was like ICK. Heavy feeling, slow... It's all part of the process, you know? Once in a while you have to do that to remind yourself "Yeah... this really isn't that good, nor is it worth this icky nasty feeling." Today I kind of feel like I am on a fast food hangover. Thankfully, dinner tonight involves lobster, salad, maybe a little steak and yes, I will have to have some of my grandmothers amazing birthday cake but I plan on trying not to overdo it on other stuff so that the cake doesn't overload my system.

Hopefully I've got the ball rolling now! Maybe kicked my metabolism into gear a bit. Maybe by next week I will be down to 210. Wish me luck!

Day 12: Rest or Pilates?

I'm feeling better today. My little hand held body fat reader says I'm 39.7% (down from 40.9%) and I am back to 214 after a weird little gain last week. Muscle? Water weight? Who knows, but now I seem to be headed in the right direction.

I went to the dojo Saturday morning, and I wish I could have stayed there all day. Actually, that's what I wish I could do today, but I have a short evening shift tonight at work that falls right over the times that the dojo is open. Oh well.

Mentally, I'm a bit better, which may have something to do with the sunshine. Physically, I'm still kind of sore from the intense day at work I had on saturday.

Which brings me to today! The question is... after I finish cleaning the house, should I let my body rest a little and not work out today, or will I feel like popping in the pilates dvd? I kind of feel like "rest" is gonna win. However... I'm not gonna have time tomorrow or wednesday to get any exercise in, so I may want to "Just Do It" lol.

We shall see how long the cleaning takes me and I'll go from there.

PS: Here is my first set of official measurements.

Quick Update - Sunday workout fail.

I did decide to work out. I also lost 1 pound... finally.

Things I found out this afternoon: 


1. I can't seem to get the hang of jumping rope. And by that I mean, I swing it and jump, then immediately trip. I exhausted myself and after a few minutes without managing to get it around more than twice I was like "Screw this!" and quit. Haha. Soooo frustrating...

2. Jogging right now is out of the question. My knees can't take it.

3. I look kind of ridiculous in all black with white Vans decorated with angry looking stars.

4. Don't go all day on nothing but coffee, workout and then eat more than you actually need.

5. I should have just rested my body today.

What I did accomplish:

• Burning calories while failing at jogging and jumping rope. 
• 10 minutes and 100 calories burned on the elliptical. 
• A little martial arts practice as a cool down exercise. 

Day 11: Struggles and Finding Motivation

I'm still deciding whether or not to "get physical" today. I'm feeling bruised, sore, and worn out physically and emotionally. I may decide to go use my new jump rope for a while (or, attempt to anyway... lol), but in the meantime I'm taking a little while to focus on my mind.

This challenge for me is not all about losing weight, getting fit and preparing for the physical challenge of the black belt test. That's part of it, but I'm not sure that's the most important part.

I've had a really rough year so far. I'm not going to go into details about it, but I will say it feels like my whole world just suddenly stopped being what it has been all my life and now I feel like I am starting over from scratch. My confidence is pretty much in shambles.

I need to find my self worth again. This weekend, I didn't feel it at all. Literally, I felt like a total loser. Not only that, but I'm not even in a place right now where I like myself. There's this constant stream going on in my head of stuff I'm doing wrong, or things that are wrong with me. "You're lazy. You're not tidy or organized enough. You complain too much. You're not working hard enough. You look like crap. You annoy people. You've waisted every opportunity you had to be something. You don't deserve your fiancee." Just on and on...

My friend and mentor, Sensei Jim Bouchard talks about how "Perfection is not a destination; It's a never-ending process...". Here are some links to his material that I find motivational and very helpful (for everyone... not just martial artists):


Podcast (Think Like A Black Belt):
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/think-like-a-black-belt/id150959297?i=83634207

Blog:
http://thinklikeablackbeltblog.com/

Books:
http://astore.amazon.com/dynacompofper-20


This blog, the challenge I have set for myself... it's about starting that process of perfection, about finding my sense of self worth again and becoming more confident and about sharing that process with others. It's about deciding to take action, discipline myself and reach my goals. Being a black belt is about more than just punches, kicks and physical strength. That's why I'm not trying to test this October and instead waiting till next year. I need that time to rebuild mentally, get my confidence back and feel better about myself. I want to go into that test knowing I'm ready to face the challenge and knowing I can put 110% into it.

Day 9: Dance Dance Revolution

Instead of going to the gym today, I decided to get out my DDR mat. It was actually the best workout I've had this week! I burned 206 calories in only 20 minutes! I need to start doing that more regularly. It saves me a lot of time and I don't even have to leave the house.

As far as food goes, today was good. All I really had was some coffee, half a beer, half an egg sandwich, a diet coke and half a fajita. Last night after karate I made myself a skim milk/banana/peanut butter/chocolate smoothie, and I have some left so I'll probably finish that off in a little while. I know it's not exactly sugar free, but it's liquid and I didn't go overboard on the peanut butter and chocolate. Better than having a half pint of Ben & Jerry's or some sort of gas station pastry.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this coming week is going to bring some tangible results.

Karate

I went to Karate tonight for the first time since I started this challenge. I almost didn't go because running errands took longer than expected, but I made it just in time for the Advanced class and I am glad I did!!

Warmups were ROUGH. Three reasons:
1. It was real muggy
2. My balance is all weird due to my foot/knee issues
3. I am overweight smoker who needs stamina improvement

The rest of class was fantastic, tho for some reason towards the end I started to see little white stars and got to that dizzy place right before you pass out. We weren't even doing anything strenuous! Some water helped.

I miss my belt. It's just SO SMALL on me and it gets all uncomfy and makes my pants fall down. Plus it makes me feel wicked fat and get all self-conscious. I know I shouldn't feel TOO bad... I mean, I got it when I was 14 and I'm lucky I can get it tied at all. It's not like I got it 3 years ago and have just gained a tremendous amount of belly fat. No average person has the waist they had when they were 14. I just miss wearing one. Sigh. So what I do, is not wear it, and then I stand in the back row with the green belts because I somehow feel like I don't deserve to be in the front, even though I am technically the highest ranking person in the class. Confidence FAIL.

I think confidence is one of the reasons I've been missing class as much as I have. Yes, scheduling is a bitch, so tuesdays are always out (and some saturdays are off limits too). And yes, I've been feeling under the weather... But also, I'm just not as good as I used to be and since I sort of re-entered the scene after YEARS of being away, I feel a little out of place if that makes sense. Mostly everyone else there has gone through this whole process together, and then BAM I show up randomly out of the blue, out of practice, with a second degree brown belt that doesn't fit, a worn out gi, and I just float between the beginners class and the advanced class trying to get back in shape and get all my material back. It's a little awkward, tho I know it shouldn't be because the dojo is a very accepting "safe zone". Basically it's all in my head.

This challenge is as mental as it is physical.

Day 8: Time to put up some stats.

Weight: 215  (up from 214)
Body fat: 40% (down from 40.9%)

This is not particularly encouraging. However... I have absolute faith that I am doing the right things and feel very good about the changes I have made recently. I have not had fast food or eaten at the food court. The only junk food item I ate was some chips one night. I also only had soda once. I've been eating at home, cooking, bringing lunch to work with me and healthy snacks. I've been making sure I eat breakfast before I leave the house. I've been cutting down my portions and paying more attention to what my body is telling me. I've added more exercise into my schedule.

Honestly, I think if I keep this up, my body will start changing. Maybe it's been in this rut so long that it is going to take a little time for it to start getting back into gear again. I can definitely say I feel like I'm being healthier.

If in another week or two I'm not seeing any change, I'll have to re-evaluate my plan of action.

End of Week 1

I haven't lost any weight this week. Which is frustrating, but Rome wasn't built in a day. The up side is that it seems I've lost nearly 1% body fat, so I am assuming that I've either gained a little muscle or it's water weight during this particular week.

I've been awesome about cooking a lot. Last night I made baked stuffed salmon with shrimp and for desert I had 2 graham crackers with cream cheese and a few chocolate chips. I really should have only had ONE graham cracker, because I felt a little too full after desert. I would say that the only time this week I kind of fell off the wagon was one night where I ate a few handfuls of potato chips instead of going for a healthier snack. And you know what? Physically, it made me feel kind of crappy.

I got to the gym twice this week. I think cardio is going to be my biggest challenge, but it's totally necessary. I love lifting weights. I'm really strong. But to be honest... I don't really need to be building more muscle. I can feel all the muscle that's under that layer of fat that's hiding it, and I can lift every day all year, but it's just gonna make me bulkier and regardless of how much muscle I have, it's not gonna SHOW unless I get rid of the fat that's covering it. Since you can't "spot remove" fat with specific target area exercises (ie doing a ton of crunches), I need to be on the bike, the elliptical, and maybe work my way to the treadmill (which I hate).

As for karate... I didn't get in this week. But I need to take things at my own pace. Part of me wants to make this go faster, but the reality is... it's hard to re-learn everything you knew 12 years ago! Especially when you're in a different body! I received my current rank when I was 14. Which means my belt fits a whole hell of a lot differently than it did then. I avoid wearing it when I can because it's way too small and looks kind of ridiculous.

It's all a process! A long process. I just have to stay on track and keep at it...

Overcoming the Plateau...

I'm feeling under the weather today, which isn't all bad because it means I'm certainly not hungry, but it does mean I don't have a lot to say. Instead, I shall post a couple of photos.

My weight loss progress since 2008:

(Notice the giant, annoying plateau...)

At my heaviest:

Some photos of me now:

I just thought this would be good to post so that there is a reference point of where I have come from and where I am at now. 

Why BMI measurements and the scale can be EVIL.

According to a BMI calculator I found online, and the standard accepted measurements of what a "healthy" BMI is, I am severely OBESE. This is total bull. BMI is nothing but your height/weight ratio. So essentially, two people who are the same height and same weight would have the same BMI regardless of what their body fat percentage is. So you could have a 200 lb body builder and a 200 lb guy who has a lot of fat and very little muscle and they would have the same BMI and thus be categorized in the same way, regardless of their fitness levels or body fat percentage.

I agree that if I had an "average" amount of muscle for a woman and weighed what I do, yes that would probably mean I was very obese. Why? Because fat doesn't weigh as much as muscle, and the amount of fat I would have to gain on my body to keep my weight where it is without the muscle would be substantial. I've known people that weighed less than me, but who had a higher fat percentage and were less fit.

Everyone's body is different. We all have different fitness levels, muscle/fat ratios... to try and judge someone based on their height/weight ratio alone is ridiculous.

Due to the fact that muscle weighs more than fat, the scale can be deceiving. You could have been eating right, going to the gym, and see that you've gained weight. When I spent some time body building after college I gained 12 lbs of muscle. I looked and felt much better than I had before, even though I weighed more than I ever had.

For women, the scale can also be very misleading during those times when we're retaining water and getting a little bloated. So we should remember not to freak if we go up a couple pounds and instead wait and see what the longer trend seems to be before jumping to conclusions.

In my journey towards losing weight and getting healthier, the 50 lbs I want to drop this year is a guideline. I'm also paying attention to how I look, how I feel and what my body fat percentage is. If I only lose 40 lbs but manage to drop 10-15% body fat and a few pant sizes, I'll consider that a huge success!!

Day 4 - Gym!

I'm feeling really good today. Had 1 pc of wheat toast with peanut butter and a banana for breakfast, and not long after went to the gym!

I was actually rather impressed with myself at the gym. Did I burn an insane amount of calories? No. However, the last time I got on the exercise bike I did 30 min and 5 miles. This time, I did 20 min on the bike and 7 miles! Improvement! Afterwards I did a 5 minute cool down on the elliptical and then some abs work and triceps/back work.

My girl and I felt totally drained after the gym and my body was telling me it wanted meat. So we went to Buck's Naked BBQ (this great place up the street from us where all the bbq is served without sauce so you can add what you like). It was a nice little treat for us, and as I stared at the menu I realized that instead of getting my usual plate of meat and side of potato salad I would much rather have the Pulled Chicken/Pear/Walnut salad with mango lime vinaigrette. So that's what I did! I did get my potato salad, but I only ate a little bit and put the rest in a takeout box. With the chicken salad, I also ate only about 1/3 of it, and it is currently in my fridge for later consumption. :)

One of the things I have learned is that I should always stop and really pay attention to what my body wants. Not what my brain thinks I want. I even said while looking at the menu "do I really want the salad, or am I just trying to be 'healthy'?" Turns out, I really did want the salad. Not only was it totally satisfying, I am no longer exhausted.

And now I am off to do some laundry and go to the pool! A swim sounds like a great idea right now, unless of course the water is way too cold. Sitting in the sun with my book wouldn't be a bad idea either ;).

Day 3 - Work and such...

Not much to report today.

I did as planned and brought snacks and a good lunch with me to work, and I even had half my lunch left over! This kept me from wandering to the food court or the coffee shop, tho after a long boring day I did give in around 5:30 when a co-worker offered to bring back Starbucks. I don't think a medium iced mocha is going to kill me.

Note: While my liquid dessert of protein mix and banana etc was indeed a fantastic idea and kept me from wanting sweets last night, it also gave me a burst of energy that kept me awake till 3:30 am. Probably better done as a breakfast thing!!

Tonight we (my fiance and I) had dinner at a friend's house. He cooked potatoes and chicken/steak kebabs on the grill. While I probably could have eaten a little less, I didn't totally overdo it and the food was fantastic! Mmm... love me some marinated meat! Nom nom nom.

Just another side note... I started taking Ginko in the morning before work (just the pill kind you can get at the grocery store) and I have found that it gives me enough energy that I don't crash and crave caffeine as much. It also seems to be giving me better mental clarity and focus as my attitude and work performance has greatly improved!

I'm gonna wait a few more days to do an official weigh-in and see if I've made some progress. Give my body a little time to get used to this new routine before I jump to any conclusions about what's working or not.

Thanks for reading!

Day 2 - Groceries & Beach

I did really well yesterday eating small portions when I found myself hungry, making good choices and cutting out excess sugar, paying attention to what types of food my body wanted and making sure not to over fill my belly. This morning to my annoyance, I gained a pound! Tho, anyone who has ever paid attention to their weight gain/loss will know that often times it takes a while for our bodies to react to positive or negative things we are doing to it. So that pound could have come from the fast food I ate a couple days ago or bad habits from last week, so I am not fretting this small gain. Instead I am planning and preparing for a healthier future!

Last night (the night before pay day!) I made a list of some things I wanted to get at the grocery store. Things that I could bring with me to work to avoid the food court, and also items that I could mix and match so I don't get too bored with my options. This is what I got today:
-Wheat Bread             -Olive Oil
-Avocados                  -Low Fat Shredded Cheese
-Skim Milk                 -Eggs
-Soft Tortillas             -Bananas
-Granola                     -Low Fat Yogurt
-Graham Crackers      -String Cheese
-Salmon Filets            -Apples
-Salsa                         -Low Fat Cream Cheese
-Chocolate Chips       -Tapioca Pudding

We've already got couscous, rice, chicken breasts, steak, strawberry protein mix, peanut butter, etc. I figure, these items will be good to make dinners and lunches with, and also some snacks. Instead of having unhealthy sugar stuff in the evening, I'll do yogurt with granola, tapioca, or a smoothie with banana/choc chips/strawberry protein powder/ skim milk.

Other than some healthier food choices and planning, I have some other changes I'd like to make:
-EAT BREAKFAST
-Don't assume I am not going to be hungry before my lunch break and bring something to munch on, instead of going to the pretzel stand or coffee shop.
-No fast food. Maybe not all year, but not on a weekly basis. Maybe allow myself to eat at the food court once a week, as long as I pick something that's not total crap. This will also help me save $$!

Overall, today was a very good day. For food, and also for body and mind in other ways. We spent the afternoon on a little beach reading, sun tanning, and I even spent some time practicing martial arts in the sand. Plus it was good for my confidence because I went out in board shorts and a bikini top and didn't feel like a total  eye sore.

Now it's off to make chicken/avocado/salsa quesadilla for dinner! :)