Two days, 2 pounds gone!

I'm gonna start by telling you what I ate yesterday.

Some coffee
1/3 of a chicken, bacon, tomato, avocado quesadilla
A diet coke
Water
An iced cappuccino
A packet of peanut butter crackers
1/2 a bologna sandwich
2 lindt truffles

I paid attention to my levels of hunger yesterday. I ate slow. I stopped when I thought I may have had all the food I needed to not be hungry anymore. I did not fret over what type of food I was eating. I ate what I wanted and listened to my body. And I lost 2 pounds.

Maybe one of the reasons I've been failing up till now is because I'm stuck in this frame of mind like... I need to lose weight, thus I need to be eating veggies and salads and smoothies and doing all this "special stuff"... and if I can't eat that stuff, I'm being "bad" so I'll just overdo it anyway. It's kind of ridiculous, because dieting is exactly what gave me my issues with food to begin with!! Not to mention... that's not how I lost my first 50 pounds... why should I feel like that's how I have to lose my next 50!?

There's nothing wrong with drinking a smoothie, or eating some fruit, or being careful about how much sugar I have. But that's not the answer. The answer is getting back the mentality that food is fuel, and I don't NEED to have a certain amount every time I eat. Just like my car always needs different amounts of gas. I shouldn't be waiting till I am on empty, nor should I be putting 8 gallons in when my tank only has room for 3.

I need to be reminding myself not to decide how much I am going to eat before I start eating. I need to ask myself "Why does that wrap have to have chips with it? What if just half the wrap is plenty? You can buy some chips after the fact if you still really feel hungry. They'll still be there." I've gotta convince myself again and get back the knowledge that I'm probably not still going to be starving after I eat a little something and therefor, there is no reason to put a ton on my plate because if I want it later, I can have it then.

Onward...

This is hard.

I started this challenge in May. It's now July. I've GAINED 3 lbs.

Yes, that's right. I am holding steady at 217, which is the highest I've been in a while. WTF?

The last two days, I've made a serious recommitment to the Paul McKenna program. And I broke the rules last night after eating nothing but a pretzel all day and then hoovering a steak & cheese sandwich with fries. Sigh. Despite that, I've been great all day long today. I just need to keep it up.

"Keeping it up" seems to be the problem. I don't know whether I just feel this is impossible, or whether I just get distracted, or if I'm just stress eating and busy. I think it's a combination of all of that.

I lost almost 50 lbs. I should be able to do it again. It shouldn't be this hard. But it is.

Good News & Bad News

I'll start with the good news...

All this crappy eating has finally come to an end and it seems I am back on track with being more conscious of how I eat and what I am eating. It's been a few days, and I've been making pretty good choices. Bringing lunch to work, eating smaller meals, trying not to overdo it on anything and staying away from excess sugar and fried stuff.

I cleaned out my parents' basement yesterday and found that I can fit back into an outfit I haven't been able to wear for about 4 years. It says size 14... I'm not sure I believe that. lol. Really I think it's more like a 16, but hey, that's a lot better than 20. Glad I kept it!

And now for the bad...

The last time I weighed myself I was at about 217. Ugh. It's discouraging, but that's why I am giving myself a year to get to my goal. Instead of just saying "Lose 50 Pounds" I am setting it at 165. 


This journey is such a struggle to stay focused and not become complacent. I've never been thin and this 200-218 range is where I've been at since I was a teen... so in a way, it's my comfort zone. I don't really know any different. I know what it felt like to be much larger than this, and I won't let THAT happen again, but under 200... I don't know what that feels like... not as an adult anyway. That's where it gets hard. I need to push through this 15 lb range where I'm "comfy". I feel like once I do that my motivation is going to get a serious bump because I'll start to see a "me" I've never seen before.

Onward...