Bruce Lee

I got on the scale this morning and it said 219. As you can imagine, I feel like a failure. I'm in the process of doing something good for my body, quitting smoking, and my reward? Gaining the weight I worked so hard to get rid of, and an enormous blow to my self esteem.

Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I feel like crap. Emotionally... also crap. Not very motivating. I can FEEL the weight gain. I can feel myself overeating. I feel bloated, emotionally conflicted, and my confidence is dwindling. I know I need to rid myself of the tobacco and nicotine addiction. Right now I just feel like I am doing it at the expense of my sanity. That doesn't mean I am going to go buy a pack of smokes, tho I'll tell you... I was pretty close to making that move 20 minutes ago. I did have a rollie, which was definitely the lesser of the two evils.

"Willpower: Recognizing that the power of will is the supreme court over all other departments of my mind, I will exercise daily when I need the urge to act for any purpose; and I will form habits designed to bring the power of my will into action at least once daily."  Bruce Lee


Some people draw inspiration from a holy book, I am getting mine from Bruce Lee.

Every day I am working to exercise my willpower. I am working hard to form habits that are constructive to my goals, and good for my body and mind. It's not an easy task. If it was, I wouldn't be feeling like a pile of FAIL right now. I have a lot on my plate:

• Lose weight
• Quit smoking
• Train for black belt
• Make more money
• Get my A.D.D. diagnosed and under control

I got my first degree brown belt on Friday, and it didn't even feel like an accomplishment. My performance during the test, was way below what I would have hoped for myself. I made it through... barely. Towards the end, I was pretty much making shit up and my brain was going "ok if all else fails, block, and take them down"... Technique kind of went out the window :/... Especially after an episode where I was gasping like a fish on land and needed to stand off to the side to recover. Regardless, I managed to pass the test. I thought I would feel a sense of pride, but I did not. 

This could easily deteriorate into a pity party, so I am going to list some things I should probably give myself credit for:

• I made it through the test and did not quit. 
• I have not bought a pack of smokes since october 30th 
• I have made an eye doctor appointment. Finally
• I've realized that it is almost certain I have A.D.D., which may be the core issue in why I can't seem to "get it together" and the cause of the "faults" I beat myself up over. I've made an appointment with a doctor to start the process of diagnosis and healing. 
• I've made progress in turning around my messy and disorganized living habits. 

I'm going to follow Bruce Lee's advice and make sure that daily I am exercising my will power. I'm also going to forgive myself for my mistakes and my faults and try not to get stuck in a cycle of self hatred. 

Kal has "man-chest". And is testing tonight in karate.

Here is a photo of my chest. Explanation to follow...

Yesterday I put on a tight sweater and looked in the mirror. I immediately went "jeeze... what are those bumps? Is my shirt bunching?" So I go to smooth them down, and realize that they are my oversized chest muscles! Haha! Now, it's hard to really see when I have a sports bra on, so the photo above doesn't really illustrate very well, but you get the idea. With my shirt off... it looks like I'm a buff dude with d-cups. Kind of awkward. 

I have yet to reach my 1000 pushups a week goal. 300 the first week, 400 this week. Building up. But I AM seeing a big difference. I am SO much quicker at them in class now... and clearly it has also had a physical affect on me. 

There have also been major improvements in my stamina and endurance. I can breathe! I'm still doing the e-cigarette and a rollie every other day, but it's been two weeks since I bought smokes. It's hard. I still really want cigarettes, but being able to breathe in class and make it through without needing to stop and rest is amazing. I did two straight hours last night, and was fine. 

As for weight... That gain really did a number on me mentally. I can't afford to gain. I also can't afford to smoke. So I did something that goes against my usual attitude about health, and I bought Hydroxycut. I don't see this as a weight loss plan or solution, but it seems to be working.  It keeps me from mindlessly munching in the absence of smoking and gives me energy for working out. It's not healthy. I know that. But quitting smoking IS healthy, and so is working out. If this can get me through the initial struggle, so be it. 

Today I am a little over 212 lbs. MUCH better than the 216 that gave me a mental breakdown! 

Tonight I test for my first degree brown belt... the last belt standing between me and black. I am nervous! I did my forms last night and totally had a brain fart halfway through two of them. I am going to work today to jog my memory before the test. This is the first time I have tested since I was in my early teens. I don't think my senseis would encourage me to test if they believed I would fail. Let's hope I don't. 

Going Crazy, Going Smoke-Free

That's me. Proud smoker, mocking those who would have me stop with a "quit smoking" hotline number stuck to my glasses as I light one up.

It has been nearly one week since I bought a pack of cigarettes and I am going INSANE.

There are many reasons I am quitting. I will not list them. The two biggest reasons are money and karate. I am broke, and to get my black belt and function in class, I need to be able to breathe. Regardless off all other reasons, that's what's driving me. But I'm pissed off about it.


"Why?" you may ask... "Why are you pissed? You should be happy! This is a good thing! Everyone is so proud of you and you are going to feel much better!"

I am pissed because I stepped on the scale last night and I had gained 8 pounds. Upon seeing this number, I proceeded to have a total breakdown. I cannot describe the anger and pain that washed over me, other than to say that I went absolutely silent for over an hour and cried at least twice. For those of you who know me, you know that silence and tears are rare in the world of Kal.

An 8 pound gain at this stage of the game means that I am heavier than when I started my challenge and now have 16 pounds to lose before christmas if I want to make that goal. After my initial meltdown I went and did a mile on the elliptical in less than 15 minutes with my heart rate at 180 the whole time. I guess that's one way to work out my frustration... better than putting my fist through a wall. I came home and cried some more and went to bed. This morning I checked my fat % and it seems to have not gone up much, so I am hoping (fingers crossed) that some of it is muscle gain. We'll see soon enough.

The big thing for me isn't the weight gain. It's the GUILT. I worked SO HARD to get rid of my food guilt and it was making me happier and healthier to be free of it. And now? Now not only is the food guilt and paranoia back, but I also have to deal with the pressure and guilt of giving up something else that I enjoy... smoking. Now, instead of being a proud smoker, I have to be one of these guilt ridden "quitters". You know what I mean. The people who bum smokes off other people because they aren't a "smoker" anymore, but they still want one and won't allow themselves to buy a pack. The people who mentally beat themselves up because they "cheated" and had a smoke. The ones who "sneak" one every now and then as if they are doing something dirty and wrong and hide it from their friends and family for fear that they will disappoint everyone. I hate that crap! But here I am... right in the middle of it. 


For some reason... people think that someone should just go from smoking a pack a day to NONE when their quit date rolls around. Like, you're not really quitting if you have any at all, ever again. I say bollocks to that! It's just like dieting. Just because I'm trying to lose weight doesn't mean that I am never ever allowed to have McDonald's again. And I say, if someone eats McD's for every meal and cuts down to one or two a week with the goal in mind to not go there anymore eventually... that's a HUGE success. That person shouldn't have a finger wagged at them because they "cheated". That's not cheating. That's a gradual step-down, and I say it's a lot better mentally, emotionally, and physically than giving something up cold turkey.

So many people seem to think that it's acceptable to consume 5 times the amount of nicotine you usually do in a day of smoking, via gum and patches and quitting aids. Why is that ok?? If anything you're getting yourself MORE addicted to the thing you want. That's where I am at right now. I have the e-cigarette, some nicorette gum... and I'm putting more nicotine in my system than I would have been before, and it's only barely taking the "edge" off. Plus I'm constantly confused as to whether I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or just want a frigging cigarette.

The weight gain, I can hopefully deal with. But this guilt thing... I'm not ok with that. So if I have to roll myself a small crappy cigarette here and there to get by, I will. I'm not buying them, I'm not smoking in the house, I'm not even drinking coffee as much because it makes me want to smoke. I'm making a lot of changes... I shouldn't feel the need to go into self hatred mode because I had a tiny rollie every so often, so I'm not gonna let anyone (including myself) make me feel that way.