It has been nearly one week since I bought a pack of cigarettes and I am going INSANE.
There are many reasons I am quitting. I will not list them. The two biggest reasons are money and karate. I am broke, and to get my black belt and function in class, I need to be able to breathe. Regardless off all other reasons, that's what's driving me. But I'm pissed off about it.
"Why?" you may ask... "Why are you pissed? You should be happy! This is a good thing! Everyone is so proud of you and you are going to feel much better!"
I am pissed because I stepped on the scale last night and I had gained 8 pounds. Upon seeing this number, I proceeded to have a total breakdown. I cannot describe the anger and pain that washed over me, other than to say that I went absolutely silent for over an hour and cried at least twice. For those of you who know me, you know that silence and tears are rare in the world of Kal.
An 8 pound gain at this stage of the game means that I am heavier than when I started my challenge and now have 16 pounds to lose before christmas if I want to make that goal. After my initial meltdown I went and did a mile on the elliptical in less than 15 minutes with my heart rate at 180 the whole time. I guess that's one way to work out my frustration... better than putting my fist through a wall. I came home and cried some more and went to bed. This morning I checked my fat % and it seems to have not gone up much, so I am hoping (fingers crossed) that some of it is muscle gain. We'll see soon enough.
The big thing for me isn't the weight gain. It's the GUILT. I worked SO HARD to get rid of my food guilt and it was making me happier and healthier to be free of it. And now? Now not only is the food guilt and paranoia back, but I also have to deal with the pressure and guilt of giving up something else that I enjoy... smoking. Now, instead of being a proud smoker, I have to be one of these guilt ridden "quitters". You know what I mean. The people who bum smokes off other people because they aren't a "smoker" anymore, but they still want one and won't allow themselves to buy a pack. The people who mentally beat themselves up because they "cheated" and had a smoke. The ones who "sneak" one every now and then as if they are doing something dirty and wrong and hide it from their friends and family for fear that they will disappoint everyone. I hate that crap! But here I am... right in the middle of it.
For some reason... people think that someone should just go from smoking a pack a day to NONE when their quit date rolls around. Like, you're not really quitting if you have any at all, ever again. I say bollocks to that! It's just like dieting. Just because I'm trying to lose weight doesn't mean that I am never ever allowed to have McDonald's again. And I say, if someone eats McD's for every meal and cuts down to one or two a week with the goal in mind to not go there anymore eventually... that's a HUGE success. That person shouldn't have a finger wagged at them because they "cheated". That's not cheating. That's a gradual step-down, and I say it's a lot better mentally, emotionally, and physically than giving something up cold turkey.
So many people seem to think that it's acceptable to consume 5 times the amount of nicotine you usually do in a day of smoking, via gum and patches and quitting aids. Why is that ok?? If anything you're getting yourself MORE addicted to the thing you want. That's where I am at right now. I have the e-cigarette, some nicorette gum... and I'm putting more nicotine in my system than I would have been before, and it's only barely taking the "edge" off. Plus I'm constantly confused as to whether I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or just want a frigging cigarette.
The weight gain, I can hopefully deal with. But this guilt thing... I'm not ok with that. So if I have to roll myself a small crappy cigarette here and there to get by, I will. I'm not buying them, I'm not smoking in the house, I'm not even drinking coffee as much because it makes me want to smoke. I'm making a lot of changes... I shouldn't feel the need to go into self hatred mode because I had a tiny rollie every so often, so I'm not gonna let anyone (including myself) make me feel that way.
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