Bruce Lee

I got on the scale this morning and it said 219. As you can imagine, I feel like a failure. I'm in the process of doing something good for my body, quitting smoking, and my reward? Gaining the weight I worked so hard to get rid of, and an enormous blow to my self esteem.

Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I feel like crap. Emotionally... also crap. Not very motivating. I can FEEL the weight gain. I can feel myself overeating. I feel bloated, emotionally conflicted, and my confidence is dwindling. I know I need to rid myself of the tobacco and nicotine addiction. Right now I just feel like I am doing it at the expense of my sanity. That doesn't mean I am going to go buy a pack of smokes, tho I'll tell you... I was pretty close to making that move 20 minutes ago. I did have a rollie, which was definitely the lesser of the two evils.

"Willpower: Recognizing that the power of will is the supreme court over all other departments of my mind, I will exercise daily when I need the urge to act for any purpose; and I will form habits designed to bring the power of my will into action at least once daily."  Bruce Lee


Some people draw inspiration from a holy book, I am getting mine from Bruce Lee.

Every day I am working to exercise my willpower. I am working hard to form habits that are constructive to my goals, and good for my body and mind. It's not an easy task. If it was, I wouldn't be feeling like a pile of FAIL right now. I have a lot on my plate:

• Lose weight
• Quit smoking
• Train for black belt
• Make more money
• Get my A.D.D. diagnosed and under control

I got my first degree brown belt on Friday, and it didn't even feel like an accomplishment. My performance during the test, was way below what I would have hoped for myself. I made it through... barely. Towards the end, I was pretty much making shit up and my brain was going "ok if all else fails, block, and take them down"... Technique kind of went out the window :/... Especially after an episode where I was gasping like a fish on land and needed to stand off to the side to recover. Regardless, I managed to pass the test. I thought I would feel a sense of pride, but I did not. 

This could easily deteriorate into a pity party, so I am going to list some things I should probably give myself credit for:

• I made it through the test and did not quit. 
• I have not bought a pack of smokes since october 30th 
• I have made an eye doctor appointment. Finally
• I've realized that it is almost certain I have A.D.D., which may be the core issue in why I can't seem to "get it together" and the cause of the "faults" I beat myself up over. I've made an appointment with a doctor to start the process of diagnosis and healing. 
• I've made progress in turning around my messy and disorganized living habits. 

I'm going to follow Bruce Lee's advice and make sure that daily I am exercising my will power. I'm also going to forgive myself for my mistakes and my faults and try not to get stuck in a cycle of self hatred.