Two days, 2 pounds gone!

I'm gonna start by telling you what I ate yesterday.

Some coffee
1/3 of a chicken, bacon, tomato, avocado quesadilla
A diet coke
Water
An iced cappuccino
A packet of peanut butter crackers
1/2 a bologna sandwich
2 lindt truffles

I paid attention to my levels of hunger yesterday. I ate slow. I stopped when I thought I may have had all the food I needed to not be hungry anymore. I did not fret over what type of food I was eating. I ate what I wanted and listened to my body. And I lost 2 pounds.

Maybe one of the reasons I've been failing up till now is because I'm stuck in this frame of mind like... I need to lose weight, thus I need to be eating veggies and salads and smoothies and doing all this "special stuff"... and if I can't eat that stuff, I'm being "bad" so I'll just overdo it anyway. It's kind of ridiculous, because dieting is exactly what gave me my issues with food to begin with!! Not to mention... that's not how I lost my first 50 pounds... why should I feel like that's how I have to lose my next 50!?

There's nothing wrong with drinking a smoothie, or eating some fruit, or being careful about how much sugar I have. But that's not the answer. The answer is getting back the mentality that food is fuel, and I don't NEED to have a certain amount every time I eat. Just like my car always needs different amounts of gas. I shouldn't be waiting till I am on empty, nor should I be putting 8 gallons in when my tank only has room for 3.

I need to be reminding myself not to decide how much I am going to eat before I start eating. I need to ask myself "Why does that wrap have to have chips with it? What if just half the wrap is plenty? You can buy some chips after the fact if you still really feel hungry. They'll still be there." I've gotta convince myself again and get back the knowledge that I'm probably not still going to be starving after I eat a little something and therefor, there is no reason to put a ton on my plate because if I want it later, I can have it then.

Onward...

This is hard.

I started this challenge in May. It's now July. I've GAINED 3 lbs.

Yes, that's right. I am holding steady at 217, which is the highest I've been in a while. WTF?

The last two days, I've made a serious recommitment to the Paul McKenna program. And I broke the rules last night after eating nothing but a pretzel all day and then hoovering a steak & cheese sandwich with fries. Sigh. Despite that, I've been great all day long today. I just need to keep it up.

"Keeping it up" seems to be the problem. I don't know whether I just feel this is impossible, or whether I just get distracted, or if I'm just stress eating and busy. I think it's a combination of all of that.

I lost almost 50 lbs. I should be able to do it again. It shouldn't be this hard. But it is.

Good News & Bad News

I'll start with the good news...

All this crappy eating has finally come to an end and it seems I am back on track with being more conscious of how I eat and what I am eating. It's been a few days, and I've been making pretty good choices. Bringing lunch to work, eating smaller meals, trying not to overdo it on anything and staying away from excess sugar and fried stuff.

I cleaned out my parents' basement yesterday and found that I can fit back into an outfit I haven't been able to wear for about 4 years. It says size 14... I'm not sure I believe that. lol. Really I think it's more like a 16, but hey, that's a lot better than 20. Glad I kept it!

And now for the bad...

The last time I weighed myself I was at about 217. Ugh. It's discouraging, but that's why I am giving myself a year to get to my goal. Instead of just saying "Lose 50 Pounds" I am setting it at 165. 


This journey is such a struggle to stay focused and not become complacent. I've never been thin and this 200-218 range is where I've been at since I was a teen... so in a way, it's my comfort zone. I don't really know any different. I know what it felt like to be much larger than this, and I won't let THAT happen again, but under 200... I don't know what that feels like... not as an adult anyway. That's where it gets hard. I need to push through this 15 lb range where I'm "comfy". I feel like once I do that my motivation is going to get a serious bump because I'll start to see a "me" I've never seen before.

Onward...

It's all part of the process...

I screwed up hardcore. I let myself get discouraged and then lost sight of my goals and let temptation overwhelm me.

There's been all kinds of junk food at work. Donuts, candy, crackers, cookies, chips... just sitting there for long periods of time. And when it's busy and I'm stressed and running around, it's just too easy to grab a handful of this and a handful of that and go out for lunch etc.

Yesterday I went to the tourist beach, and I don't even want to think about what I consumed. I will say it included a lot of fried stuff and tons of sugar and I felt like shit all night because of that.

My schedule has prevented me from getting to Karate much, and now the dojo is closed for over a week for holiday. I DID manage to get in a private lesson where I learned one of the two forms that stands between me and my next belt. Once I get that belt, it will just be a year and a lot of practice before I can test for black.

I cant remember the last time I went to the gym or did any serious exercise. DDR at the arcade yesterday doesn't count.

Off to work now, and with any luck there won't be much junk food setting around calling my name...

Day 16: FML. Can I have a full body transplant please?

Let me start this by listing what I ate yesterday:

Morning-Late afternoon:
Some coffee
Half a sandwich with a small glass of milk and 1 oreo
A few fritos with a little guacamole on them
Some home made punch
A mini can of ginger ale.

Dinner: 1boiled lobster (very little butter), some salad, 2 tiny dinner rolls, 1/2 ear of corn on the cob.
Dessert: 1 piece of birthday cake.

Late night snack: 2 home made s'mores (two graham crackers, two marshmellows... you get the idea.)

Now, I know that yesterday's intake wasn't small or without flaws. But do any of you think that honestly warrants a 3-4 pound weight gain?! Like, everything I lost the last 2 weeks, ruined in ONE DAY. WTF!?!?!

Additionally... 
This morning, while innocently walking down the stairs, my knee popped out of place again. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as last time, and it did go back in place. It left me laying on the stairs for a few minutes getting over the shock of it, and is now kind of achy and feeling weak... but not horribly so.

So yeah. I'm not too happy. Sometimes I seriously hate my body. Not the look of it, just the way it functions. Because, come on... that's messed up. One special occasion meal, and BAM, all progress lost and I'm back to square one. Then my knee just randomly decides to fail on me, without provocation.

I am trying not to panic or get really mad, but this is hard!! I am trying to keep my head on straight and be like "You can't change yesterday, but you can make sure you do well going forward." I'm also waiting to see if maybe this is a strange 1-2 day weight gain that will come back off.

Sigh. I guess set backs are all part of the process, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.

Day 15: Finally! Some results!!

Weight: 212
Body Fat: 39.3%



FINALLY!! I've lost 3 lbs and about 1.5% body fat. I was worried there for a while. I got down to 212, and then the next day I was 214 again. That made me feel crappy. But then I weighed myself this morning and I am back to 212, so all is good :).

I haven't properly exercised since Sunday, but I am ok with that. I put in a lot of effort last week, and this week I haven't had a lot of sleep. I think it's counter-productive to try and work out when you're feeling totally beat. I did mow the lawn yesterday, half of which is up hill, with a push mower. I don't know how many calories I burned, but I was definitely sweating... so it's not like I didn't get any physical activity, I just didn't get to the gym, karate, or on the DDR mat.

I have a feeling this week is going to be a similar to the last few days in terms of working out. I'm starting a 6 days in a row stretch at work. Some of those days are half days, so hopefully I can use the extra time to at least get to the little gym at our apartment complex.

I had a moment of weakness last night... I was hungry after work and a friend and I went to Wendy's where I had a diet soda, some fries, and a BBQ Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. It made me feel like shit. Not in a guilt way as I hadn't had fast food in like 2 weeks, so I wasn't fretting over it. Just physically I was like ICK. Heavy feeling, slow... It's all part of the process, you know? Once in a while you have to do that to remind yourself "Yeah... this really isn't that good, nor is it worth this icky nasty feeling." Today I kind of feel like I am on a fast food hangover. Thankfully, dinner tonight involves lobster, salad, maybe a little steak and yes, I will have to have some of my grandmothers amazing birthday cake but I plan on trying not to overdo it on other stuff so that the cake doesn't overload my system.

Hopefully I've got the ball rolling now! Maybe kicked my metabolism into gear a bit. Maybe by next week I will be down to 210. Wish me luck!

Day 12: Rest or Pilates?

I'm feeling better today. My little hand held body fat reader says I'm 39.7% (down from 40.9%) and I am back to 214 after a weird little gain last week. Muscle? Water weight? Who knows, but now I seem to be headed in the right direction.

I went to the dojo Saturday morning, and I wish I could have stayed there all day. Actually, that's what I wish I could do today, but I have a short evening shift tonight at work that falls right over the times that the dojo is open. Oh well.

Mentally, I'm a bit better, which may have something to do with the sunshine. Physically, I'm still kind of sore from the intense day at work I had on saturday.

Which brings me to today! The question is... after I finish cleaning the house, should I let my body rest a little and not work out today, or will I feel like popping in the pilates dvd? I kind of feel like "rest" is gonna win. However... I'm not gonna have time tomorrow or wednesday to get any exercise in, so I may want to "Just Do It" lol.

We shall see how long the cleaning takes me and I'll go from there.

PS: Here is my first set of official measurements.